I Should've Been Famous By Now

:)

2011-11-09T22:20:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to say hi to everyone.

Ain't my boy the best.

Parenthood

2010-11-21T16:07:00.003-05:00

So I guess it comes as a shock to no one that I state the obvious that I'm not blogging anymore. It's not that I have no issues to blog about, I have endless material. I just don't have the time between a fulltime job, parenting, housekeeping, etc. Life is full and wonderful and I can't complain. (Well, I can, but really, who cares?)

I return today only to share a couple of pictures of my beautiful baby boy. He has been an endless source of love, joy, pride, and worthiness. He has given me such a feeling of hope, accomplishment, and love, I can barely express in words. He is simply amazing, and I am a better woman, wife, and person for being his mother. He is truly the light of my life and I can't wait to do this again. (No, that's not cryptic, I am not pregnant. Hopefully in the near future, though.)

I hope you all are doing well and that life is treating you fairly. God bless you all as the Christmas season approaches, I hope you and your families are loving each other and are kept safe during your travels.

Without further ado!

My How Time Flies

2010-06-11T12:35:00.004-04:00

Busy, busy, busy. Ya'll weren't messing around when you said kids are a lot of work, a lot of time, and a lot of reward!

Here is our J-Dub imitating a cool and unaffected New Yorker: (Yes, I know a real New Yorker would never be caught dead in an I Heart NYC onesie, but c'mon.)

Here he is on the first day of daycare, looking much happier than Mom was:

And here he is after a bath, looking chubby and happy. He enjoys baths far more than his big brother, Joey.

How He Got Here

2010-03-14T17:42:00.002-04:00

While I have a few minutes, and am not ready to pass out from exhaustion, I shall briefly share the tale of how my son, Jackson, came into this world, unexpectedly early, but with great confidence.

On Thursday (3/4), I was finishing up an e-mail to send to my staff. I was about to use the restroom before a co-worker and I would be leaving to head to a meeting a few miles up the road. I no sooner hit send on my e-mail and stood up, and I started wetting my pants. Or so I thought. I tried to "stop" it, but couldn't. I couldn't understand why I would be peeing my pants... I had to pee, but I could always hold it before. This time, I couldn't. I stood there for a moment. My co-worker was on the phone, so I waited a moment, and then carefully walked to the bathroom. When I got there and sat down, more fluid came out. I touched it, smelled it, looked at it, and realized it was NOT urine. It was slippery, odorless, and had a tinge of pink.

Trying not to panic, I wondered what I should do next. So I took my pants off in the stall, threw my underwear away, exited the stall, and washed my hands. Upon returning to my desk, my co-worker asked me if I was ready to go. "Well, not really... I think I have a small problem." "WHAT..." she asked, as though she was hoping it would be any problem except my water broke. "I think my water just broke" "Jesus Christ!" (Who knew the lord would be involved??)

She told me to call my doctor, and meanwhile she got someone to go get a vehicle pulled around to the front of our building so I could go to the hospital. The office had neither physician in, so I had to have them call me back. Meanwhile, my boss had gone to get her truck and was waiting for me at the front door. Every step I took, I could feel more fluid leaking. I made it to the truck and called Brady, who was in a meeting. Luckily, he answered. I told him I thought my water broke and to stay put, I would call him back in a couple of minutes. I imagine those were the longest 5 minutes EVER!

The doctor's office called me back and told me to go to Labor & Delivery, so we did. I called Brady back and told him to come to the hospital and check in at L&D. I checked in and they sent me to triage. They wanted to do a ferning test to verify that I was indeed leaking amniotic fluid. The resident who showed up to do the exam said she didn't need to do the ferning test, that I was fully ruptured and would be admitted for delivery.

As an aside... I was 34 weeks and 6 days, so obviously, not ideal to be giving birth. But for whatever reason, I never felt panicked. It felt right. So we got moved to a different room for awhile. At this point, I still was not having any contractions or any sort of pain or discomfort. (Soon to change... ha!)

I called my parents and let them know what was going on, and they immediately packed their gear and took off from Michigan. Brady did the same and we figured they should be there in about 5-7 hours.

Meanwhile, I got moved AGAIN to an actual L&D delivery room, which I stayed in until the baby was born. We hadn't packed a bag, any sort of music, any kind of items at all. We literally showed up with the clothes on our backs, my purse, and our coats. Guess this just goes to show you CAN have a baby without the "essentials"!

Contractions started getting more intense around 3pm, and were mild. I was informed the anesthesiologist would not do an epidural until at least 24 hours after my last Lovenox injection, which was at 9:30 am that morning. So I would have to at least wait until 9:30 the next morning. I had already decided not to take any other sort of pain medication, as I didn't want to slow the labor process down.

Fastforward to 10am the next morning. Family has arrived, said hello's, and been kicked out of the room, as at this point, I had been in labor for about 19 hours, and the contactions were getting quite intense. They had given me pitocin to increase the contactions, but Jackson was having late decelerations, and they had to turn it down. Eventually they turned it back on, but the late decel's continued. They said if he had one more, they were going to have to do a c-section. Apparantly he heard, and not wanting to be a bother, he didn't let that happen again.

They checked me at 1pm, and I was between 5-6 cm dilated, and was now ready for the epidural. The doctor came in to give me my shot and that was the hardest part of the whole process, being still while someone puts a huge needle in your back, while you're having a contraction. I had done a good job of breathing through each of them until this point, and I continued to do well during the epidural process, but it was a challenge. By the time I received the epidural, I had been "in labor" for 24 hours. I somehow managed to sleep between each contraction! I have no idea how, but I did.

After he finished giving me the epidural, I had my first contraction within 1-2 minutes and realized I could still feel every bit of it. He asked me if I could still feel that, and I said YES. He increased my dosage slightly, and we waited for another one. When the next one came on, I felt that one as well, only worse. He commented I shouldn't be feeling those as intensely as I was, so the nurse decided to check me. Turns out the process of getting the epidural pushed me into the Ready Zone and I was at a 10! Time to push.

At that point, the epidural kicked in, and because of the extra dosage, I could not feel annnnyyyyttthhiiinnnggg. I wasn't really wanting to be numb from the waist down, but I couldn't complain at that point. The doctor came in and we got ready for the Big Show.

We all watched the monitors waiting for contractions, and then I would push about 3-4times during. It was difficult to know if I was pushing, as I couldn't feel anything, but I did fine. Within 30 minutes, he was fully crowned and almost here.

While everyone was watching the monitor, I turned back to the overhead mirror to look, and the doctor turned his attention back to his crowning head as well. And then "POOF", the baby just popped out! It was the darndest thing. He literally just slid right out on his own while we were waiting for a contraction.

He came out screaming and crying, which was a beautiful sound. Early babies obviously have breathing problems quite frequently, but it sounded as though his lungs were quite healthy. They laid him on my belly, and Brady cut the cord. They took him to clean him up and weigh him, and Brady & I were both shocked to hear 4lbs 10oz... what a tiny little guy!! We never anticipated such a small baby. But he was perfect. 10 tiny (but long!) fingers, 10 toes, and a beautiful face. And noooo meat on his bones.

It has taken me a few days to realize the gravity of the miracle we experienced. It's during the quiet moments when I have him resting on my chest after feeding, and he's still stirring and trying to settle down to fall asleep. I can study his beautiful face and smooth his dark hair (such a headful for an early little guy!)and start realizing how much bigger my heart feels now. I knew I would love him, but I had no idea it would feel so good. I am not an overly sentimental person, but I have surprised myself with how quickly I have changed. Stories about other babies and children that I've never met, but which are dark tales about pain and abuse inflicted on them, bring tears to my eyes. Not that I didn't care before, but it's all different now.

So in a (large) nutshell, that's how my son came into this world. Brady & I are completely in love with our new addition and greatly appreciate everyone's support and well wishes during my pregnancy, and during the very trying 2 years before that. God truly does have a plan, and it was more than worth all the pain, heartache, and grief that came along with it to take shape. If nothing else, I have learned the virtue of patience, trust, and the realization that life is bigger than me.

And thank heaven for little boys.

Early Edition

2010-03-08T20:07:00.003-05:00

Introducing Jackson William G.

4lbs, 10oz, 18", born at 2:41pm 3/5/10, and 5 weeks early.

So far, so good. Mom and baby are doing well and will get to leave the hospital just as soon as the pediatrician says his bilirubin level is stable.

Stories to follow...

:)

Human Pin Cushion

2010-02-03T20:50:00.002-05:00

Hello, blogworld!

I figured it's been about a month, I might be due for an update!

So far, things are going pretty well. Tomorrow I will be 31 weeks, and just that much closer to meeting our little guy! It's starting to get very real to me now... if it's not the large and round belly I'm sporting, or the persistant kicks and nudges, or the eternal camping underneath my ribcage, it's the giant crib in a box in my dining room that keeps screaming "PUT ME TOGETHER!" So far, we have the room painted, the chest and dresser put together, and... that's about it. Still have so much to do, and not much time to do it!

I failed my 1-hour glucose tolerence test, which is when they have you drink that delicious orange sugary beverage and then get your blood tested an hour later. This meant I had to take the 3-hour test, which is about the same, except they draw your blood 3 more times. Fun, fun. I failed that one as well, which means I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I truly expected this outcome, so I'm not that surprised. So far, I've just been monitoring my blood sugar 4x's a day with finger pokes, so it's not been too bad. I've made some adjustments to my diet and so far it's been working pretty well. Hopefully I won't have to go on insulin, but if I do, so be it. Hopefully it's just temporary!

Brady & I had a childbirth class this past Saturday, which was really interesting! We also got to see 3 "live" births on a video, which was ... well, it was interesting too. :) The highlight for me was when Brady received instructions on how to give a pregnant massage... that 10 minutes was the highlight! Hoping he doesn't forget what he learned...

We have a date for a work banquet this weekend, which required me to buy a cocktail dress. At almost 8 months pregnant. Surprisingly, I was able to find several regular dresses in larger sizes that fit me pretty well, so I was happy not to have to buy a maternity dress. I'm looking forward to going, we're going to stay at the hotel afterwards. We figure this is probably our last hurrah for a good, long while!

Otherwise, things have gone pretty well and I can't complain. We have a tentatively scheduled induction date of 4/5, due to my clotting and diabetes issues. Could be sooner than that, but probably not later. As long as it's not an April Fool's Day baby, Brady is fine with it. :)

I hope everyone else is doing wonderfully and staying safe, happy, and healthy! I'm looking forward to updating soon with pictures of our son. I have had a few requests for pictures of my ever-burgeoning baby belly, which I had Brady take a couple of days ago. Once I get around to getting them on the computer, I will add those as well!

The Best Year Ever

2010-01-01T18:15:00.002-05:00

I like to think that 2010 is going to be the best year ever.

Of course, I think that EVERY year, but this year, I have reason to believe it might actually be true.

2009 was not a terrible year, but it was definitely not one of my favorites. Struggling with infertility, with the effects of infertility on my marriage, a miscarriage, and other difficulties and adversities Brady & I faced throughout the year, made it a tumultuous year. Brady started the year without a job. My football team still sucks.

However, there were bright spots. We did eventually get pregnant and stay that way (knock on wood.) Brady found a job straight away, and loves it. We have been blessed in so many ways this year.

There are still things that are lacking, need improvement, and linger like a bad stink from last year. But I have good reason to believe this is going to be the best year ever. Early this year, (less than 90 days!) we will be proud parents to a wonderful baby boy, God willing. We have an awesome dog that makes us laugh and smile (and sometimes yell) and a cozy home. We've got it pretty good. I can't wait to see all the things 2010 has in store for us, good and bad. But mostly good, I hope.

Happy New Year, Ya'll!

I Nose It All

2009-12-08T22:39:00.005-05:00

I truly cannot complain about anything in this pregnancy. I only was sick a small handful of times. I was tired, but not incapacited. My boobs look awesome. My skin is glowing. My hair is thick and lustrous. Sure, I have to give myself 2 shots a day in my ever growing belly, but I'm almost 23 weeks pregnant, and without those shots, I wouldn't be. But if I haaaaaaaaaad to come up with something...

It would be the snot. I had no idea that a stuffy nose was a common or possible "symptom" of pregnancy. Literally, no idea. Until about 4 weeks ago, I woke up and felt like maybe I was getting a cold. My nose was starting to get stuffy so I found out which medications I could take and got some. I took it for a couple of days but it wasn't helping, so I stopped.

I asked my doctor what was going on, and he introduced me to a little thing called pregnancy rhinitis. Apparantly, it's quite common, and it usually lasts at least 6 weeks. Basically, I have a stuffy/runny nose ALL THE TIME. My nose is raw and chapped and going to bed and laying down is a real struggle. I can't breathe. Otherwise, I'm great, but man, this nose...

Sorry, getting distracted... Ghost is on, and it's at the pottery scene...

But I digress.

Obviously the pregnancy thing is the biggest thing going on in our lives right now. There has thankfully been no job drama with this scary economic climate, and we've been blessed to again adopt an "angel tree" kid and get him a ridiculous amount of presents. We don't buy presents for anyone in my family, and only a few on Brady's, so this is a way we can still get out and enjoy the Christmas spirit without feeling like we're being commercial. It's a great feeling getting gifts for someone, especially a child, when you know they don't have anything otherwise. We chose a boy this year so we could practice buying boy stuff. Brady totally dug shopping for Transformers.

Otherwise, we have trips to take soon for our Christmas' in our respective home towns, but think this will be the last year we go to both places in one year. Next year with the baby, we'll want to be home for Christmas, so we're inviting family to stay with us if they'd like.

I will leave you all with a picture of Joey the WonderPuggle, who would like to wish all of you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Hey Right Ball...

2009-11-23T22:20:00.002-05:00

Hey Left Ball...

Who's this penis between us?

Our little boy...

Fast Track to Hell

2009-10-28T17:50:00.003-04:00

Interested? I can give you explicit diretions.

It's easy. Just leave your shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot. Ignore the cart corral 8' away and just leave it right there in the middle of the parking lot for someone to hit, bump, or generally make the parking spot unusuable.

I have absolutely no tolerence for this. If you have the ability to push a shopping cart through the store, by God, you can put the cart away. I am not ashamed to say I have spoken up to strangers in the Meijer parking lot asking (ok, telling) them to put their cart away. Which was met with no response verbally, although they did put the cart away.

I'm just saying. If I catch any of you ever not putting your cart away, I will put the beatdown on you post haste. And send you on the aforementioned road to ruin.

OTHERWISE!! I'm doing just splendidly. The pregnancy so far has progressed exactly as expected (well, more like exactly as planned, because I'm not really sure what I expected) and I am feeling great. I have much more energy these days, and the issues of throwing up and feeling ill have all but subsided. I will be 17 weeks this Thursday. Brady & I will be having "the big ultrasound" on 11/23 where we have agreed to find out the sex. (Well, sort of. We want to know, but we want to make it special, so we're having the sonographer print out the picture if the baby has cooperated, and write on it girl or boy. Then we're having her seal it in an envelope and taking it with us to a nice dinner that evening, and finding out together there. We figure it's a surprise on 11/23, or it's a surprise when it comes out, either way. We'd just really like to know, if we can. And we both mean it when we say we DON'T CARE EITHER WAY if it's a girl or a boy, we're just eagerly anticipating a healthy baby.)

Other than the shopping carts, the only negative I can think of at this time is our sex life. I'm entering that "sex doesn't really sound all that terrible" stage of pregnancy, but all of our pre-pregnancy issues are still hanging over our heads. Hoping we can break past that wall here very shortly, because it won't be too much longer and we'll WISH we had unlimited time and energy for sex!

Hope everyone out there in the blogworld is happy and healthy and flu-free!!!!

Me & My Baby

2009-09-14T21:45:00.002-04:00

So far, so good.

The day before I was supposed to take a pregnancy test, I started having a sneaking suspicion that I might be pregnant. I even slyly smiled to myself throughout the day, being smug even, at the prospect. I stopped on the way home from work that day to buy some tests, telling myself I'd wait until the morning. (I was supposed to wait until Friday, August 1st. This was Wednesday, July 30th.) Of course, I got home and couldn't wait. I ran to the bathroom, disobeying the whole "use your first morning urine!" rule.

I had to do it the yucky way, peeing in a cup and putting the test in there for 20 seconds. I replaced the cap and before I could flush the toilet, there were 2 big ol' dark lines on my test. Joey was watching me the whole time, tail wagging. I like to think he was anticipating with me.

So again, just like last time, I ran downsairs and unceremoniously thrust the pregnancy test in my husband's face as he worked on installing our new door in the basement. He, again, asked me what it meant, and then we commenced to huggin' and kissin'. I called my mom, whom I promised I would call as soon as I knew anything, who immediately burst into uncontrolled sobs. It was so exciting getting to tell her this, especially since I never got to tell her the last time. It was over before it started.

So the next day I called the doctor's office to get my order for bloodwork. I went to have my blood drawn on CD14 (cycle day 14 for all of you uninitiated) and my level came back as 408. Awesome!! Actually, freakishly high for as early as I was. My progesterone level, which was what was so dangerously low last time, was improved. It still wasn't what we would call "good", but it was "acceptable". I was happy.

I waited until the following Tuesday to have it checked again. One number doesn't mean much on it's own, it's how it rises that tells the tale more accurately. So when I went back on CD19, I was expecting, hoping, for a number around 2400. It was almost 7000!! Then I started to get nervous there might be more than one in there. I was over the moon that things seemed to be happening for real this time.

Then the following Monday was my birthday, and wouldn't you know, I woke up to find I was spotting. Ugh. I tried to be cool, and I called the doctor's office as I was told to to let them know. They said that since I was so early, it was probably just implantation spotting. I tried to put it out of my head, but I was really nervous. I laid in my bed (I was off of work) and cried and cried, while my poor dog looked at me, his little head going back and forth in confusion and worry, and tried to lick my tears. He snuggled up to me and we fell asleep.

The spotting continued off and on for the next week, and I tried to put it out of my mind. Meanwhile, other pregnancy symptoms began to appear. My breasts became extraordinarily tender. Brushing my teeth became a struggle as it started making me nearly puke. I was exhausted. I was pregnant!!

Eventually, the spotting stopped and everything else increased. The first time I threw up, Brady told me "Congratulations!" : ) Actually, every time I mention a pregnancy issue, he tells me that. I don't mind. : )

The spotting came back a couple of weeks later, but only for a day. 2 days later, I had my first ultrasound at 8 weeks and 6 days, and we saw our precious little bean, snuggled safely in my belly. The heartrate was in the upper 170's and sounded like music to our ears. I can't wait to hear it again!!

So so far, so good. The Boobie Fairie has been to visit, they are huge but totally off limits as they hurt because they exist. The morning (evening, all day) sickness has all but subsided except for the toothbrushing part. Still exhausted and anxiously awaiting for the 2nd trimester energy boost. Still grateful and honored every day to realize I have a new life growing strong within me. Still terrified and anxious that something could go wrong, but trying to enjoy it the best I can. And finally, I don't mind those shots one bit. : )

How 'Bout That

2009-09-05T17:40:00.002-04:00

There really is somethin' in there... so far, so good.

Take Two

2009-08-01T17:42:00.003-04:00

Looks like we're trying this whole "let's have a baby" thing again. Blood test this time is much more encouraging that this little bean might stick around.

We'd really appreciate it if you could all collectively cross your fingers for an undetermined amount of time.

Thanks.

Yes, this does mean I am pregnant. Was sort of vague... Sorry!

Forward

2009-07-18T22:31:00.005-04:00

I'm still around.

Without being maudlin, life has been a struggle. Dealing with infertility, suffering a miscarriage, and the effects all of this has on my spirit, strength, mind, and especially my marriage, are genuinely depressing. It's hard to put into words for someone who's never been in my shoes. It's all but impossible to empathize with me if you haven't experienced this in some form or fashion. Those who do not want children, those who have children easily, will never fully appreciate the struggle this is. And I do not say that lightly; I never wish to imply that my struggle is any more difficult or easier than anyone else's. Just that this particular type of struggle is only fully understood when you live it.

For the greater part of my marriage, I have suffered from a poor self image, due in no small part to what I considered to be a disappointing and unfulfilling sex life. I had often times felt that my husband didn't fully find me desirable, or attractive, and didn't want to have sex with me. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the reality of marriage versus the expectation of marriage. Without dwelling on the difference, I will just say altering my expectations has changed my perspective; for the better, is debatable.

Knowing what our fertility issue is, and knowing it's "me", compounds this feeling exponentially. If I thought I felt un-feminine and "less than a woman" before, I hadn't seen anything yet. Failing month after month to produce what it seems everyone else can do with ease, shatters your confidence and chips away at what you know about feeling like a woman. No matter how sexy my husband says I am, or how beautiful, or how wonderful, I still feel like a failure. The result of this is a huge negative effect on our sex life; I hate myself, don't want to have sex, am grouchy, husband doesn't want to have sex with grouchy woman, and fear of being unfeminine and non-womanly is confirmed. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What I've known all along, but what I haven't allowed myself, is that I have to continue LIVING my life in the interim. I cannot allow another 21 months (the length of time thus far) to go by without being ME, without actively living my life and enjoying the beautiful parts of it. I cannot allow myself to be a "victim" and a sad-sap and wallow in pity and shame. The best I can do is to do everything I can do within my control and allow what's meant to happen, to happen. The phrase "understanding is God's responsibility; trusting is ours" has helped me immensely when the absurdity of this situation starts to get to me.

Brady & I "endured" our first intrauterine insemination this week. I'll know by July 31st if it worked. The doctor is hopeful for me, but realistic in admitting it's not likely to work the first time. So in the meantime, all I can do is live my life, love my life, and hope for the best. And be the best mama I can to my awesome, awesome dog. : )

Warning

2009-06-20T22:27:00.001-04:00

If one more person I know, even remotely in passing, gets pregnant, I am going to absolutely lose it.

That pretty much sums things up for me right now.

Stress & I Are Tight

2009-03-19T20:06:00.002-04:00

Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful comments. I am doing (mostly) ok since the miscarriage, and am hopeful for the future. I still have my moments of sadness, but there are more days between them now.

The day after my miscarriage I met with my doctor, and I told him I wanted to take a break from the shots and go back on my regular blood thinner, which is a pill. He supported me in this decision and just reminded me we would need to use condoms for birth control during this cycle. So I called my hemo and let the office know I needed to speak with someone about changing my medication.

I want to interject here and say I love my doctor. I do not love his staff.

That was Friday, and by Wednesday the following week I still had not heard from the office. So Thursday morning I called, and spoke directly with the nurse. (What was the holdup?) She said that was fine, but that I would have to "bridge" the transition and would have to continue taking shots until I was therapeutic on the pills. So I started taking the pill that night, and went in on Wednesday for a blood test to see how my level was.

It was too low. I was taking a higher dose of the medicine than I was previously, but because of the OTHER medication I'm now taking, I've had to make some changes to my diet and that's caused the pill I take to become less effective. So, I had to increase my dose, stay on the shots, and go back in 2 days.

Still low. I increased my dosage again, and went for another blood test. Still low. Told to remain on the shots.

So here's where we stand... I have a miscarriage, decide to take a break from shots for a few weeks, am told I have to stay on shots until I reach a therapeutic level of the other medication, am using vacation time to go to the inner city hospital downtown twice a week to get blood drawn out of my hand, and still taking 2 shots a day. Not to mention giving myself diarrhea by trying to reduce the amount of greens and fiber I eat, which then counteracts the other medication, so that I can get my level lower.

It all sucks. Bad. This, coupled with the fact that my husband & I have had sex 3x's this year, have got me so stressed out and depressed that it's a wonder I'm upright and breathing. SO, I have decided not to take a break from the shots and just continue doing what I do. It's not worth it. I'd rather save my vacation time for vacation. Or a baby. And I feel foolish for even thinking that possible sometimes.

More stressful and depressing things have happened since my last post, but I don't want to ruin anyone's day, so we'll just leave it at that.

Hey, it's got to turn around eventually, right?

Highs & Lows

2009-03-02T19:47:00.002-05:00

Last week was a tough week.

Irritated by my lack of starting a period, but having breast pain for weeks, I told Brady on Friday night that I wanted to buy a pregnancy test, "just in case". I truly, truly, truly, did not think I could possibly be pregnant. We only had sex one time. I don't ovulate.* I wasn't pregnant. So we bought a test while we were out and about. A two pack. I took one when we got home.

It was not positive.

It was also not negative.

It simply didn't work. Huh. Oh well, I figured. I'd take another one in the morning. I told Brady I really just wanted a cocktail anyway! So we went to bed and I forgot about it.

The next morning, Brady was up very early and I was still sleeping. When I woke up, I went to the bathroom to do what you do when you wake up, and saw the other pregnancy test sitting on the toilet. Having taken several pregnancy tests in my lifetime, and never having seen a positive result, I had a resolve that I would be ok no matter what. And I cannot emphasize enough how much I was not expecting a positive result.

So I peed on the stick. And almost immediately, the 2nd line showed up. Now I had bought cheap, store brand tests, so I wasn't sure what I was looking at. So I ran downstairs to get the directions, my legs shaking and my heart racing. Brady was in the office on the computer and I think he was talking to me, but I couldn't hear him. I finally located the directions and saw what constituted a positive result was what was showing on my stick. I was so shocked I almost passed out.

Without saying a word, I thrust the test in Brady's face and he looked at it, asking me "What am I looking at here?" I then unceremoniously pushed the directions his way, and he said "Does this mean you're pregnant?" We smiled and hugged and kissed, and I told him I wanted to get showered right away and head off to do our grocery shopping and buy another test. A name brand this time. So we did.

We stopped at McDonald's to get breakfast and a drink, so I could suck it down and take another test at the store. Halfway through our shopping trip, I announced I was ready to pee on another stick, so we purchased a different brand and I headed to the store bathroom to check.

Sure enough, almost immediately, the plus sign showed up giving me another positive test. I practically bounced out of the ladies room back to Brady, proudly displaying my plus sign. I actually left the test in the cart, half covered by my jacket, and would occassionally glance at it. One, because I wanted to make sure it was still a plus sign. Two, I just really liked the way it looked.

I ended up buying one more test, this time a digital one, that actually displays "Pregnant" or "Not pregnant", because I always wanted to see that Pregnant show up. I took that one when I got home, and again, another instant positive. I was so excited.

We decided to go to the mall and browse baby things, which I knew in my heart was a bad idea, but I was so excited I couldn't help it. We went out to dinner together at a cozy Italian place and discussed how we'd tell my mom. We felt closer to each other than we had in a long time, and our excitement was contagious to each other.

Sunday I spent most of the day lounging and napping; I was convinced that pregnancy was making me tired. I had also been spotting continuously for the past 3 weeks, but I figured if I'd been spotting this long and was still getting positive tests, it probably wasn't that big of a deal.

Monday, I called the doctor's office to let them know my good news. She (the secretary) informed me they don't see patients until they are 10 weeks; I mentioned that I was high risk and that I was spotting, and she told me to come in that afternoon and they'd do some blood work.

I did go in, and they drew an hcg level, and a progesterone level. The doctor also wanted to see me due to my circumstances, so I was also able to get an ultrasound. This is where things started to go badly for me.

Before we did the ultrasound, she warned me that there was a very good chance they wouldn't be able to see anything on the ultrasound, because it was very very early. She asked me would I be able to handle seeing nothing on the screen, or should we just not do one at all. I was unsure, and she said with all I've been through, I should go ahead and do it. So I did. And we saw nothing. And I freaked.

My uterus was thickened as it should be, but there was no sac. She was not concerned; she mentioned that the spotting is not normal, but common, and doesn't necessarily mean miscarriage. For whatever reason, as soon as I left that office, I had a horrible feeling this wasn't going to happen.

The next morning, the doctor called me with the results. They were not good. One level was low but acceptable, the other was dreadfully low and not acceptable. He told me to come back in in 2 days for another test, but in my heart, I knew it was not going to happen.

I spent the next 2 days in a terrible funk. I couldn't concentrate on anything. All I could think about was how much I wanted this baby and how I knew it wasn't going to work. It wasn't just pessimism; I knew.

Thursday I went to the doctor again for another blood test. By the time I got back to work, I was full on bleeding and cramping. I called the office and the other doctor confirmed with me that I was most likely miscarrying. I sent an e-mail to my husband, and my boss, and excused myself for the day. I asked Brady to stop at the drug store on his way home to get me some pads.

I got home, changed clothes, and laid on the couch for the better part of the rest of the evening. I was so sad. I felt cheated. I felt like, why had it even happened, if it was all going to end so quickly?

I had to go to the doctor's office again on Friday to follow up, and the numbers from my blood work confirmed that I had miscarried. It took everything I had but I managed to keep it together while he talked to me in such positive and optimistic tones. While I had been waiting to see him, I felt so much better. But then 3 different women walked in, at various stages of pregnancy, all with their husbands. All excitedly discussing things about their babies. And I was sitting in there alone, bleeding, waiting to discuss my miscarriage. It was just too much to bear.

My parents came back through town this past weekend on their way home from Florida; Brady & I had discussed how to tell her I was pregnant. I didn't have a plan to tell her I had been pregnant and miscarried all within the 2 weeks she'd been away. I couldn't tell her. So I spent Saturday night laughing and joking and playing cards with my parents, acting as though everything was fine and I wasn't falling apart inside. A Lowe's commercial on TV Saturday afternoon set me off in such a way I thought my heart would surely break.

I told a friend of mine that if I had known how this was going to end at the beginning, I would probably be grateful that it was over so quickly. But I feel like I only had 2 days. Saturday morning was the happiest moment of my life, and Thursday afternoon was the absolute worst. I can't imagine how women who have actually seen a heartbeat and then go on to lose their babies can deal with the aftermath. I was pregnant for about 5 minutes and it absolutely killed me.

The doctor said we are good to go after we wait one full cycle, but I think Brady & I need a short break. I want to get off of these shots for a couple of months and spend some time getting our marriage focused back on us for awhile, and then we'll see where we go from there. I am optimistic things will turn out. I just need some time to feel sorry for myself. I know we'll have "our turn". I don't need anyone to remind me. I just wish one part of this journey would turn out right and not be a monumental struggle. Just one part.

Bright Spot

2009-02-27T13:35:00.001-05:00

Brady got a job!! He starts March 9th.

Congrats, hubs!

And Just Like That...

2009-02-26T16:39:00.001-05:00

...it was over.

The miscarriage started today.

Thank you all for your well wishes.

Well Hell's Bells...

2009-02-21T13:42:00.001-05:00

Hello Stranger

2009-02-19T21:57:00.002-05:00

It's been awhile.

So it's been quite some time since my last cryptic "update"... I suppose I am (over)due for one at this point.

When last we left our heroine, her husband was unexpectedly unemployed and she was expectedly starting her period and being a good little infertile. Things have only slightly changed.

For starters, my husband is technically not YET unemployed. His comany did unexpectedly shut their doors on the date of my last post. He works/ed for a large/small company (small in relation to many, large in relation to every other company in his field) that poorly handled its' finances for many years, and in this tight economy, it came back to bite them in the ass. Many people (about 500) lost their jobs. Fortunately, my husband was not one of them. He has temporarily been able to keep his job to tie up loose ends. Being an accountant, he is sticking around for the liquidation phase.

That Friday (Black Friday as Brady calls it) was very hard on my husband; people he had worked closely with for 7 + years, suddenly, he would not see regularly again. Some he'll probably never see again. For someone who is somewhat resistant to change, this was a huge shock to his system. He says working there now is like working in a ghost town. Abandoned lunches in the break room fridge are starting to stink. There was a leak in the roof in part of the building that no one ever bothered to fix. The food in the vending machines went bad, and then the vendors came and took the machines away. Customers showed up to collect their products and were met with no loading staff. This week the electricity was cut off for 3 days. It's just a surreal experience. People lose their jobs everyday (especially these days), but it's not oftentimes that the WHOLE PLACE goes under when you didn't even know they were in trouble.

He's been on a job hunt, and has a good lead on another job close by. He's keeping his fingers crossed for a call back; he's been through 3 interviews, hopefully that's enough to realize they need Brady on their team! All I can say is thank the Lord that Brady & I are frugal people who have 6 months of emergency expenses for just such an occassion. We technically haven't even missed a paycheck yet, but we're still prepared. And fortunately my job is very secure.

In other news... we met with a Reproductive Endocrinologist a few weeks ago to find out what was going on with the broken baby factory. Without getting into too many details (this isn't an infertility blog and I don't want it to become one), he quickly and easily diagnosed the problem, which is the problem I knew it was all along. So I'm on a new medication to help with other issues (not a fertility medicine) and we're just patiently waiting for my period to show up. I'm on day 41 right now, so I'm getting a little impatient. But we're getting there. Knowing what we're dealing with and knowing that it's not an immovable object, is such a weight off my shoulders. Our doctor seemed extremely confident that we'd have me pregnant very soon. I hope he's right.

I found it bittersweet that we took Joey, the Puggle, to have his ability to reproduce removed on the same day we went to the doctor to find out why we can't. I think we were both pissed about our respective appointments.

Otherwise... we've joined NetFlix and are finally seeing all those movies we heard were so good, we're trying out inconvenient celebacy, I guess for fun, and I'm doing the absolute best I can considering the circumstances. My carpool partner is now almost 6 months pregnant and it's a constant line of chatter from her about how the baby makes her have to pee all the time, and none of her pants fit, and she's so hormonal, and how she just bets she'll have this baby and hand her right over to me and just say "Take it!" because she's "over" the whole pregnant thing. Every woman is entitled to feel how she feels about being pregnant; I just wish she understood that complaining about it in front of ME makes me burn. I know she doesn't do it to be mean or insensitive. Still sucks.

Ok, I think that's it. I might check in again before Memorial Day, we'll see how it goes...

Hmm..

2009-01-09T20:39:00.002-05:00

I must have some bad karma...

Is it excessive to have to, within 24 hours...

1) Schedule an appointment to see a fertility specialist
2) Have your husband's company give 0 warning and close their doors, leaving 450 people unemployed, including said husband,
and
3) Start your period?

I mean really? Can't I catch a fucking break here?

Because I Promised

2008-12-14T17:09:00.002-05:00

Brady & I have put the issue of the "surrender date" behind us. I think I should clarify a couple of small items before we put that issue behind on the blog.

For starters, I understand that the issue of the clothing came across as being a little whiny. My point was that we never, ever go out to do anything anymore. And when we do, if I've even managed to put on a touch of makeup, we're going out like rockstars. I've frequently gone out in sweatsuits and old jeans and tennis shoes lately. Which is fine, those things can be "sexy". (I guess.) But there is no alternative, and I somehow hoped that this would give me some insight into what he would want to see me in. Apparantly flowy shirts and ill-fitting jeans are those items.

Secondly, being surrounded by all of these happy families and their chattering children killed me. There were several dads that brought their kids alone, perhaps to give their mothers a day off. Perhaps so they could get a moments peace. Maybe so they could clean a messy house. I don't know the reason. I do know that thinking about how much my husband would probably love to take our children to an afternoon movie caused the tears to start rolling while we waited for the movie to start. Being a kids movie with kids and fabulous fertile families all over the place most certainly did not help my mood. I then felt frumpy in my ill-fitting top, undesired by a husband who didn't put thought into his date, and again as a failure because I couldn't get pregnant.

So enough with my pity party for now.

We have had the good time (in the bedroom) since then that we had hoped we'd have that night. We still are not on the right track. As we approach the Christmas season, I know our time will be even more sparse. We are traveling from the 19th to the 30th to see family. By the time we return on the 29th, we will have traveled 1500 miles in a week. It's going to be trying.

So I promised Brady I would write this post. That he made up for the bad date (which he acknowledged as a bad date on its own terms) and we've made mind-blowing whoopee since then. Unfortunately for both of us, Christmas is proving to be a very difficult time for me to be optimistic and, well, horny.

Every year we go to my best friend's house for a Christmas party. She & I have been friends for over 15 years and I don't get to see her much. Being as I have so few friends where I currently live, I look forward to this party all year long. It's my one chance each year to get together with all the people I left back in my hometown. We planned our family Christmas plans around this party; unfortunately, the party had to be changed to yesterday, and Brady & I had to miss it. At first I was extremely down that we were missing it.

Then, I started remembering the party from last year... two of my friends announced they were pregnant, and I remember how excited (and jealous) I was of their excitement. They sat on the couch next to each other and talked about how they felt during their first trimester. Their husbands compared notes on cravings and exhaustion, and they "drank for two" since their wives were out of commission. I skipped out on the drinking last year, as I was unsure how the alcohol would affect my medication, and also because I thought I was in the middle of my "baby making" phase. Little did I know I wasn't even ovulating and wouldn't start my period for 65 days.

When my best friend kept pushing for me to drink something with her, I finally had to spill the beans that we were trying to get pregnant, and that I was taking these shots and probably shouldn't drink. The focus then came on me and I hated it. I truly did not want to make a big deal of it. I don't try to be secretive, but I truly don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. At the time of the party, I'd been doing those shots for 2 months. I'd given myself approximately 60 shots. They were appalled. (In a sympathetic way.)I then had this fear that we would be that couple that shows up and talks about our dog incessantly, showing pictures with him dressed up and looking miserable in the outfits, and us talking about how we set up an appointment to get him fixed and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I don't want to be that dog person. I love my dog, but I know how that is. I know there'd be at least one well-meaning soul who'd tell us "You two have too much time on your hands! You need to have a kid!"

So as Brady & I are driving in the car last night after doing some shopping, a commercial came on the radio about kids and Christmas. My mind flashed to me being at this years' Christmas party, and explaining that no, we still weren't pregnant. And wow, now I've given myself over 850 shots! Aren't I a hero?? I imagined I'd be confronted with flipping through baby pictures and maybe even more pregnancy announcements. For the worst reasons, I was suddenly glad I wasn't there. Brady & I went to bed at 9:30 and didn't think about it again.

So that's kind of where things are now. Part of the reason I needed so much more from Brady for that date was because I feel like everything is falling in on me. I can't say enough wonderful things about my husband in this infertility issue, I really can't. He has shown me a strength and support I always knew were there but never wanted to have to tap. But being in this situation has killed my confidence in myself as a woman. Being unable to do what my body was supposedly designed to do gives me a feeling of unworthiness, and most definitely kills my self confidence as a woman.

I know it probably doesn't make much sense to men, but I have this ridiculous thing where I feel like if my body isn't doing what it's supposed to do as a woman, how can my husband possibly find it attractive? And I know he has his own issues with this; I don't disregard that. It's hard for both of us. I just really need him to put the sexual persuing on his plate for awhile. Obviously we have to have sex to get pregnant; I just need to not have the responsibility of initiating it on me. And beyond that, sex has lost its lustre throughout this, and I'm to the point where a little extra effort is required to keep things fun and light and not so dour. I desperately need him to put in some extra time for me. For us.

Wow, long post. I've been sleeping most of the day and have had more moments of weakness than I normally allow myself this week, so I figured getting it out in a post would be helpful so I can hopefully move on and enjoy Christmas with my family, and especially with my husband. Honestly, I'm much more upbeat and fun when I'm not on this blog. This is sort of my outlet for when I've got more to say but I know I've reached the limit for what my husband can hold.

That said, I hope everyone has a very wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year.

For A Good Time...

2008-11-17T10:24:00.001-05:00

... Well.

Let's get right to it.

Brady & I were watching an episode of Oprah from last week about sex in marriage. I don't remember much about it, but I do remember one of the couples talking about going on a "surrender date", in which one party does ALL of the planning, including what the other person wears. He suggested he should try this, and I was all for it. I didn't even have to suggest it!

Fast forward to this past Saturday. I have not mentioned the surrender date since he said it would be on Saturday, so as not to put on any pressure. He said "don't get too worked up, it's nothing big". I was ok with that. Mostly, I was really excited to see what kind of clothing he'd have me wear. Really, that was the most "exciting" part for me. We are having serious sexual problems here right now (going on 4 weeks) and I really needed a kick-start to get things going again.

::SIDEBAR:: Maybe it's a chick thing, or maybe it's just me, but knowing that I'm wearing something that my husband finds sexy and irresistable, is a huge turn on for me. Knowing that everytime he looks at me, he knows what's on (or not on) underneath what he chose for me to wear, is hot to me. I oftentimes don't know what "gets him going", clothing wise. He says he is "visually stimulated", so I assume he's looking, but I'm not sure what to accentuate, so to speak. This was really an opportunity for me to learn what I could wear in the future that turns him on.

::END SIDEBAR::

Long story short, he picked out some jeans that don't fit, and a top that I don't wear because it didn't wash up well. I was hugely disappointed. It was a big, flowy, stretched-out top that I bought several months ago and haven't really ever worn since. He thought this was something I had bought a few weeks ago. THAT top, I had worn 3 days prior, to a comedy show we went to. He thought that's what this was. I was really frustrated that he couldn't remember what I had worn 3 days prior, because I specifically brought a whole new outfit to work to change into so I would look good for my husband. He didn't remember at all what I wore. Sweet.

I know he could tell I was disappointed, but we soldiered on. My biggest fear was realized when we got to dinner. The shirt he had picked for me was very thin and with short sleeves. I froze. I had to wear my coat throughout dinner. That it was cold was not his fault... that it was 38 degrees and raining, well, we knew that before we left the house. So I ate dinner with my coat on, and the date just got worse.

For the final act, he took us to see a sneak preview of Bolt. Something we had both commented on and wanted to see, I will give him that. But after a rough week, and a bad start to a much-anticipated date... well, being surrounded by moms and dads and kids was not what I was looking for. We got home, tried to have sex, and I couldn't get into it at all. He was giving me oral and I stopped him after about 10 minutes because I just wasn't getting anything out of it. We went to bed.

Sunday, it all came out, and we talked about it. He realized it was not a good date. I don't think he realized why, for me at least. We talked and I swear it was never my intention to make him feel bad, but even he had some tears before it was over.

I dunno. Maybe I made too much of the outfit thing. That was the part I was most anticipating, and it was a huge let-down for me. I just wanted a reason for why he picked what he did, and really didn't have one. Maybe that's just me being a chick. Regardless, we are entering our 4th week of no sex, and no end in sight. This is a serious problem when you're allegedly trying to get pregnant.

And, just for some frosting on my crap cake, Joey, the WonderPuggle, chewed through the iPod charger cord, and then peed on our sheets. Sweet.

Stuck

2008-11-06T08:36:00.003-05:00

Guess it's about time for my monthly check-in.

Things have not been going well at the TajaBrady household. I'll start where I left off and then go from there.

Shortly after my last post, the co-worker I mentioned that was going on month 7 of trying to get pregnant, showed up at work, pregnant. She's about 7 weeks or so now. I am trying desperately to be happy for her. Desperately. The joyous event was precipitated by a huge fight between her and her husband, ending in her husband saying she'd make a terrible mother. Hoping I can skip that conversation and still get knocked up, but at this point, I'm willing to try anything.

It's been a bit difficult trying to maintain a positive attitude, but I'm doing my absolute best. Hearing about her morning sickness does not help. She knows not to push it, but she's excited, and I can't blame her for wanting to talk about it.

Still not pregnant. Not taking anymore medications to help with that, at least for the time being. Brady & I are trying things au naturale. We'll see how that works for us. This is month 14. I gotta say... this sucks. A lot. To add injury to insult, I've got a wicked sinus infection. I've gotta be hurtin' to miss work, and this is my 2nd day in a row.

In happier news, I got to meet, get autographs, and get my picture taken with The Randy Rogers Band, my most favoritest band in the whole world. (Yes, RS, they are "country", so you have probably already eliminated them from your musical options.) So at least I've got that going for me. Otherwise...

Meet Joey, the ex-con.

Dog Years

2008-10-06T22:08:00.003-04:00

So I guess it's been awhile since I've done an update. I seem to be getting really bad about that. So what's been up with me lately... hmm...

Going back 3 or so weeks ago... I finally got out of the house and went to a birthday party for a friend of mine at work. Birthday parties at 30 are different than birthday parties at 13. For starters, it was in a bar. I went with another coworker and we drank together. I remember going from feeling like "Man, these drinks are weak!" to flashing people at the bar. It was a wild and crazy time. I remember talking with another coworker's boyfriend, a very friendly and patient man... about why he was planning on voting for Barack Obama. I don't remember the entire conversation, but I do remember saying something about paying 40% of his income to taxes. He dismissed me until I showed him a picture of my chesticles that I had on my cell phone. Then he said "Very nice. Have you had surgery?" and I knew we were friends.

I also remember telling everyone who would listen, that I don't get out much. I really need to get out more.

Otherwise... still no baby. I had my meltdown on Saturday morning on the way to the grocery store. The weight of it hit me and I realized that we're entering month 13. 13 months of shots, disappointment, frustration, isolation, loneliness, fear, and occassionally, naive hope. We have 3 months left until we are referred to a specialist; at that point, I have no idea what happens. There's nothing wrong with us. It just isn't happening. I have yet another coworker who is trying to get pregnant as well, and she's going on month 7. As selfish as it sounds, it has been so comforting to have her understand (to a point) how frustrating this is. I see the Duggars expecting their 3429038th child and while I never begrudge anyone happiness, or a child, I wonder why it can't be me. Brady jokingly commented "Let's just get one of theirs!" but I replied that I didn't want their baby, I wanted a you and me baby. One of these days I will really get into what this process has done to me, my marriage, and my spirit.

Having a dog has been a blessing and a curse. It's been so nice to have something to nurture, to teach, and to learn from. Every day he seems to learn something new. He really is the cutest dog ever, and I'm not biased at all. Right now he's asleep with my husband on the couch, and I'm not sure which of the two is cuter.

In HAPPY news, Brady & I went to the UM/Wisc game last weekend, and it was TOTALLY FREAKING AWESOME!! I was ready to leave at the end of the first half, but was compelled to stay. I kept saying "If we don't score on this drive, we're leaving", and then we'd score. "If they score on this drive, we're leaving." And they wouldn't score. It all conspired to create the 2nd greatest comeback in UofM football history, the greatest comeback in UofM football history at Michigan Stadium, and the 2nd most exciting football game I've been to. (The UT/UK 5 OT game last year was the most piss-my-pants exciting.)

So that's that. I got drunk at a bar and flashed a lot of people, I can't get pregnant and obviously should give up and see if we can't just clone someone else's kid, and my dog is totally awesome. (And my football team sucks... that game was a fluke.) That's about it.

Sup

2008-09-14T21:40:00.002-04:00

Seeing as it's been like a month, and I've had a couple of cocktails, figured this was as good a time as any to do an update.

* Joey is doing great. Despite several house accidents, and a bruise above my ankle from where he bit me, we're doing pretty well. We have him in a puppy class so we can get him properly trained. He is way too distracted by everything to pay attention, but when we get him home, he's doing a great job. It's amazing how satisfying it is to teach a dog to sit!!

* My sex life is atrocious. Like, ridiculous. Like, it's no wonder I'm not pregnant. So many problems there it's almost hopeless, but we're working on it. I gave Brady a BJ last night and I think we're back in the game.

* Still no luck with that whole "getting pregnant" thing, but we're working on it. Not sure when lightning will strike, but we're trying.

* I was blessed with the first pick in the draft of my FFL league. So I took Tom Brady. You can send your condolences via e-mail.

* I f'ing love talking politics with people. Love it.

* We had tremendous winds here today and we lost a couple of trees. Plus, our deck box blew all the way across the top tier of our deck and shot through the spindles and out onto the grass. I guess this is a remnant of Hurricane Ike. If it can do this much damage with just wind (it was sunny and hot), those on the wake of the actual storm have my 100% sympathy.

* Bourbon tastes like candy.

* I'm tired.

My Dog & Me

2008-08-19T19:56:00.004-04:00

So yeah, I got a dog.

I got a dog.

I GOT A DOG!!!!!!!!!

It’s only taken me, oh, 20 some-odd years, but I got a dog! Brady & I went to 4 different animal shelters on Saturday to look at dogs. We really wanted to adopt one, but we ran into a problem. We were looking for a medium to small breed dog, and no joke, every kennel we went to only had large breed dogs. Most were Labrador mixes, a lot of boxer and bulldog mixes, but no smaller dogs. (There was one small dog but some other people were getting him while we were there.)

We resigned ourselves to go back out the next weekend and look again, but then we saw that someone had puggle puppies (a mixed breed of pug and beagle), only 2 left, and we decided to go check them out. Naturally, I saw those puppies and fell in love. There was a girl and a boy, and I didn’t care which one we got. Brady decided on the boy, as he was a little (little) calmer, and the girl was smaller. We looked at them on Monday night but were not prepared to bring them home, so we put down a deposit and picked him up on Friday night.

It’s been interesting!! Although I know it’s nowhere near the same scope, it’s a bit like having a newborn or a toddler. You can’t let him out of your sight for a minute, he goes potty whenever (and wherever) he wants to, cries when we leave, and is totally dependent on us to feed and take care of him. We are sleep deprived but totally in love.

The story of the name Joey is funny, but only to me & Brady. I frequently wear a fleece pullover in the fall and winter, especially when we go to the movies and it’s cold. It has a pouch in the front, and I constantly have miscellaneous things stuck in there. I refer to each item as my joey. If it’s a pen, it’s my joey. If it’s a straw wrapper, it’s my joey. I don’t know, I just feel very marsupial-ish when I have a pouch, so I am kind of a foster ‘roo with lots of Joeys. I know, we’re nuts. (I’m nuts.) So, I suggested Joey, and it fit. It’s boyish, without being overly cloying and cute. It fits him. (although Turd fits a lot, too.)

SO, our days of freedom and naps and sex on the ottoman (it’s right next to his bed) are out, at least for awhile. But I am excited. SO excited. How could you not love a face like this???

In other non-related news... I had my HSG last Thursday, and it wasn't nearly, NEARLY, as bad as I was anticipating. The worst part about it for me was the bloated feeling the next day. Good news, there was absolutely no problem there. Brady got his results from his semen analysis today as well, and there was also no problem there at all. Looks like we're doin' alright, just haven't hit the baby-lotto yet. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

Joey!

2008-08-16T23:04:00.003-04:00

Our new addition...

Red Letter Day

2008-08-09T10:31:00.003-04:00

Someone is going to the pound to look at dogs & puppies.

That someone is ME.

ME is so excited, me is about to wet her pants.

Thinkin' me & a puppy have a lot in common... (minus the pants.)

This is 30 years in the making.

My 30th birthday is tomorrow.

The time has come.

Me. Dog. Together. Joy.

WISH ME LUCK!!

Wii Funatics

2008-08-04T19:49:00.002-04:00

Brady & I recently bought ourselves a Wii. We also recently celebrated 6 years of wedded bliss, so we are giving the role of "anniversary gift" to the newly acquired Wii. After burning out our shoulders on the Wii Sports game that came with the unit, we've since moved on to burning out the REST of us with the Wii Fit.

Power bowling, target practice, hula hooping, slalom skiing, impossible yoga poses (I am not a tree, I am not a tree) and giggling over how gosh darn cute that Wii Fit voice is. That's been our lives the past couple of weeks. And did you KNOW they have EXCITEBIKE!?!? When Brady told me that, it was as though he had bought me an expensive piece of jewelry. Made me girl bits tingly.

Speaking of girl bits... Brady & I went to see my OB/GYN today for a consultation on what to do next about getting pregnant. We're closing in on the end of year 1, which marks official "infertility". Brady gets to go jizz in a cup this week, and next week I get to have my fallopian tubes flushed out with dye for an HSG. Does anyone else think I'm getting a raw deal here? Figures.

For My Husband

2008-07-25T13:06:00.001-04:00

Lay Down Beside Me

I've spent my life
Lookin for you
Findin' my way
Wasn't easy to do
But I knew there was you
All the while
And it's been worth
Every mile

So lay down beside me
Love me and hide me
And kiss all the hurtin'
Of this world away
Hold me so close
That I feel your heart beat
And don't ever wander away

Mornings and evenings
All were the same
There was no music
Til I heard your name
I knew when I saw you smile
And now I can rest for a while

So lay down beside me
Love me and hide me
Kiss all the hurtin'
Of this world away
Hold me so close
That I feel your heart beat
And don't ever wander away

And hold me so close
That I feel your heart beat
And don't ever wander away

Love me and hide me

'Til I feel your heart beat

Hilda

2008-07-09T19:41:00.003-04:00

Helga is a German woman that comes to my home about every 3-6 weeks (depending on her availability... she is in high demand) and cuts Brady's hair. She is a stern, unyielding, no-nonsense woman in the Old School Style of cut 'n run. She speaks with a heavy accent and doesn't mince words. I think Brady is a little afraid of her, but also more than a little amused.

So Brady was due for a haircut yesterday, but Helga was out of town. Unsure of what to do, she offered to send us her younger niece, Hilda. We weren't sure of Hilda's skills, but Brady REALLY needed a haircut, so we accepted.

Brady knew it was a good choice when Hilda came into the room. She was wearing 4" high heels, thigh highs with a backseam, an obscenely short skirt, and a see through top. With no bra.

I'm told they kept it professional for the first few minutes, but Brady admitted to letting his hand stray to her smooth legs every so often. She said nothing until he got a little higher up her thigh, and only when he was getting dangerously close to discovering there were no panties under the obscenely short skirt did she scoot out of his reach.

Apparantly, this continued for a good while. He also found out this was Hilda's first haircut, but he says she did a "pretty good job". Unfortunately (?) for Hilda, it wasn't until after she'd finished that he informed her he had no money to pay for the haircut. Frustrated, she sighed, and asked for his help sweeping up his freshly shorn locks.

Perhaps it was being under that barber's cape for 15 minutes in the stale, hot air of a July night, but he was awfully hot. The hair was no sooner swept off the floor, that his... appreciation got the best of him, and he motioned for her to sit on his lap.

Unsure of what this bold American was doing, she acquiesced and took a seat. He offered to work off his tab, and forcefully pushed his mouth onto hers. Taken by surprise, she responded by pulling away, only to realize she liked the taste. She stood up from his lap and he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her in close and kissing her more ferociously than ever. His hands wandered below her skirt, and he was surprised but pleased to discover her favorable (flavorable?) response to his advances.

This is where Brady's part of the story gets a bit hazy... something about taking her from behind over the kitchen counter, something about licking the prize under that short skirt and driving her crazy, and I think it ended with them in our bedroom, her on top of him, her skirt and thigh highs still in place... but who can be positive?

I'm fairly certain Helga is history. I don't think anyone is going to miss her. Hilda? HIRED.

Titles Are For Wussies

2008-07-06T19:58:00.002-04:00

Just a note to remind myself that I'm still alive.

Brady & I took it upon ourselves to do a "small" remodel of our half bath on the main floor. This entailed repainting this small room, and changing out the light fixture, towel holder, toilet tissue holder, and faucet fixtures. I assumed the faucet fixture would take while; the rest, not so much.

We started this adventure on Friday, and we're still not done.

Part of the problem is the room is so small, only one of us can fit in there at a time, so there's not much for the other to do. I've been pretty much the Al Borlen of the two of us since my job of washing down the walls with TSP was finished on Friday night. It's really coming along nicely, though. It was brown with brass fixtures... we painted it a nice, refreshing, relaxing blue, and put in chrome fixtures with white porcelain accents in. The faucet fixture is going to have to wait.

Otherwise, nothing exciting going on around here. Still not pregnant. We're officially going in for a consultation on August 4th to see if we can't get to the bottom of this. I can't tell you how devastating this entire process is. I know all women who have been where I've been know what I mean, but it's impossible to describe to someone who hasn't been here. Every time I see a pregnant woman, or an infant, I feel simultaneously cold and rigid, and burning with jealousy. It's not that I begrudge anyone the precious gift of a child... I just wish I could enjoy my own. It's exhausting going through this every month.

In better news, we have a new employee at my job that is my age and we're carpooling together. I think I might have possibly made a friend. She's also trying to get pregnant... and as selfish as this sounds, God help me if she gets pregnant first, I might lose it. This is their 3rd month. Regardless, I'm so grateful to have a female I can discuss these things with. She's been a godsend, truly.

So this month we're not taking any medications or treatments... we're just going with the flow and seeing how things go. We'll go see the doctor next month.

Well, Brady needs help with the toilet tissue thingy, so I guess I should be a good partner...

Is This Thing On? Subtitle: FTN Does NOT Get Naked.

2008-06-27T01:30:00.001-04:00

Don't you hate it when an old friend invites you over, and there's a group of friends sitting around the living room, and you feel like you need to come up with some witty, charming story to win everyone over?
No?

Yeah, me neither.

Taja was sweet enough to invite me over to her blog today. Well, technically, she didn't invite me at all -- I sort of barged in on her. Sort of like she had just gotten out of the shower, and was putting on clothes in her bedroom, and I just knocked the door down and announced my arrival with an airhorn. Because that's just how I roll.

So here I am. Sorry about that. Sure, go ahead and put some clothes on, I won't look.

This is where I should give you my thoughts on Taja, and how her and I "go way back," and I could give you all sorts of introspective philosophy on marriage. Do you really want to hear all that? Probably not. Although I do want to make the most of my guest-blogging opportunity.

Here, I'll give you the short version.

I don't remember how I first stumbled across this here blog, but I do know that Taja and I "met" back in the summer or fall of 2005. She had probably been writing for a few months, and I was just getting started. We were both 20-something, married Midwesterners. We both had blogs that dealt, to some extent, with sexuality within a marriage.

She also had three things that make her, as a woman, uniquely interesting:

1) She was hot,
2) She loved sex, and
3) She loved sports. Even fantasy football.

So, you know, she's got all that going for her. Any woman that has an affinity for thigh highs, purple bras, and Big Ten football is A-OK in my book.

Now, it's nearly three years later, and we're still writing about sex and marriage. Who would have thought. I believe Taja will be hitting the big 3-0 later this summer. An early happy birthday to you, K-Dog. I was thinking about birthdays and marriage last week. It seems as though when people get older, spouses get each other more "practical" birthday items. Blenders, power saws, vacuum cleaners. Even the gifts that aren't practical seem to be -- oh, I don't know -- OLD. Odd jewelry like brooches or pearls. Watches. Subscriptions to "Vibe."

This is where I tell you that for my wife's birthday last month, I bought her a video game. "American Idol" for the Nintendo Wii.

In fact, our last few gifts for each other have been Wii games. And tattoos. I'm not sure if this is just some lame attempt to recapture lost youth, or just a perfect example of our unwillingness to be adult and "practical." Who wants a power saw when I can shoot mutated zombie worms with my Wii Zapper?

The night of my wife's birthday, there were six of us sitting around in our living room. Sort of like what I wrote up top about trying to come up with a witty, charming story. Except that for us, I could be witty and charming by singing Celine Dion songs on the American Idol Wii game.

I didn't really start out with that intention. Many of our friends are quite musical. I play some guitar, but I'm not a singer. My wife is a singer. A few of the other people in our living room that night are singers. So to play a singing game with them, one with a microphone that actually measures your tone and rhythm in a song to see how well you do... Well, I didn't really anticipate doing very well.

We set the game to a tournament mode where we'd each sing one song, and Randy, Paula, and Simon would critique us and give us a score. I was the last to sing.

Everyone else picked a song that fit their range and vocal style. Me? I went with "My Heart Will Go On."

I'll never let go, Jack.

So for about three minutes, I bust out the most beautiful falsetto you can imagine. Well, I mean, if you can only imagine the sound of a prairie dog that's just been given a prostate exam. But either way, it was fantastic. I worked the room. I strutted, I moved.

I was EMOTING.

Celine herself would have been proud.

And when the judges critiqued me and gave me my score, lo and behold, I had won the entire competition. Simon thought I was brilliant.

This came as a bit of a shock to the other singers in the room. That's right, you can take your music degrees and your rock bands and your immense talent and you can all just SHOVE IT. Boo-ya!

I'm not sure what any of this has to do with marriage or sexuality or Taja's blog, but I just felt compelled to share with everyone that I am THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL.

There, did that break the ice? Was that suitably witty and anecdotal? Good. Now let's have a drink and watch the football game. If we're polite, perhaps Taja will change into that low-cut sweater and her thigh highs.

-FTN

Thinking...

2008-06-17T00:42:00.003-04:00

Would it be weird if I wanted to put on my cap and gown (graduation is this Friday, folks!) and wanted my husband to put on HIS cap and gown, and maybe see if we can get our tassled hats tangled up together in a fit of degreed passion?

The Day After Jack

2008-06-14T11:52:00.002-04:00

I'm surprisingly doing alright today. I don't know exaaaaaaaaaactly how much I had to drink, but it was enough to send out some e-mails to some random people I probably shouldn't be e-mailing while intoxicated. I was irritated because Brady & I were supposed to be having hot sex. Not just sex, but hot sex. And he took a 2 hour nap! Inexcusable.

Or, at least it was until he woke up and then we had sex in the chair in the office... and then moved to the kitchen counter, and then the big chair. It was all good, all hot, all enjoyable. So much fun we reprised the sex part when we woke up this morning. We haven't had this much sex since our honeymoon. I understand we're trying to make a baby here, but for the first time since this process started, we're actually ENJOYING ourselves. Not too shabby for us.

Also, to RS & Therese... I apologize for any comments to your respective blogs made between 7-11pm EST last night. I can't be held accountable.

FMI (For My Information)

2008-06-13T20:44:00.002-04:00

Since I might forget later...

I really, really, REALLY like Jack Daniels. Really.

A Bad Penny

2008-06-10T18:18:00.002-04:00

Just when I thought it was gone for good, my sex drive randomly showed up and parked itself on my bed Sunday afternoon.

I can't say what facilitated this turn of events... Brady suggested we "just go for it", so we went and brushed our teeth (common courtesy, ya know) and then I just decided to let it all go and see what happened. So I did, and we did, and well, it was so good we decided to do it again yesterday. : )

I'm not sure what happened, but I'm so glad it's back. We have to take a couple of days off for getting ready for the baby makin' stuff, but I'm hoping we can continue on this much more enjoyable path.

*phew* I was gettin' concerned.

VIVA LA SEX!!!

Too Much

2008-06-01T16:55:00.003-04:00

So I've started my period today. (Sorry, should've offered up a warning there, perhaps?) This was my 3rd medicated cycle... same results. At this point, I'm not sure what the next step is. Either another medicated cycle, or a referral to a specialist so that Brady & I can be properly evaluated to determine what we're dealing with. We're going on month 9 with no success. I understand this is "normal"; however, I'm giving myself 2 shots a day and dealing with a known yet un-diagnosed fertility issue involving my ovulation. So, help is needed.

I took this month hard. I didn't suspect I was pregnant, as I had no symptoms, but I was holding out hope. I inadvertantly found out a few days ago that some friends of ours are expecting. I work in a hospital, and found out by legal but accidental means. This will be their first baby; 6 days ago when I found out, I was excited. Today Brady showed me an e-card that they sent, saying "BABY ON BOARD!" and that they "finally decided to take the plunge", and their baby is due in December. I, unfortunately, am having a very hard time summoning up good feelings. I hate what this process is doing to my spirit. I don't like not feeling positive feelings for good people; this does not change the fact that I don't feel like celebrating.

So, we're taking a "break". Not really a break-break... more like a breather. I have to call my doctor tomorrow to let them know I started my period, and I'm not sure what the next step will be, but I do not want to do another medicated cycle right now. My choice would be for Brady & I to take a couple of months (while not NOT trying, but not trying to prevent) to get in better physical condition. We've both gained some weight during the past few months while going to school and working full time. The stress of graduation, grades, money, making a baby, etc., have all been taxing to our marriage, but also to our health. Brady's blood pressure is astronomically high (way, way too high for 31 years of age) and neither of us is shape (besides "round") right now.

So, we've unofficially decided to make this the Summer Of Us. (Although we call it "The Summer Of the ______'s", I just don't feel like putting our last name on here.) (Or maybe we should call it The Summer Of George?) We're putting new and renewed focus on creating a healthier lifestyle. Right now we're eating what we want, when we want, and getting little to no exercise. This has to stop. I suspect I have a particular medical condition that leads to infertility, and there has been much success in people who have lost 5-10% of their body weight. I would definitely like to do that, plus a little more than that. I don't consider myself BIG, but I definitely could stand to lose some weight, but most importantly, get in shape. Lifestyle changes are definitely in order.

Hopefully being off of this medication for awhile might help restore my libido as well; nothing has happened since Tuesdays escapade, and I'm sure nothing will now until after my period has left town.

So, that's where we are right now. It's been a bad day in my house. I've eaten an entire individual sized carton of cookies 'n cream ice cream in about 8 minutes. I did this under the guise that I had to get it gone before tomorrow, when the "new lifestyle" takes effect, but really, it was just that perfect consistency between soft and hard, I've had a shitty day, and I just wanted to eat it. So there.

Ok, Seriously

2008-05-28T22:29:00.001-04:00

Does EVERYONE vacation in the Outer Banks? I am sick to death of seeing this sticker. I think I'm just being a bitch here, but I don't give one rats ass where you and your family take your vacations. Apparantly OBX has cornered the market on Understated White Stickers.

In other news, I finally got some hot lovin' last night. Sweet. 'Bout time. ; )

Sending Out An APB

2008-05-20T21:24:00.003-04:00

Ok, I'm having a big problem here.

I've completely, totally, and tragically lost my libido. As in, gone, absent, unavailable, vacated the premises... GONE.

For the past 3 months, I have had absolutely no sexual drive. This is highly unlike me. I'm not saying I'm an insatiable slut, but I'm usually good for a slap & tickle every few days. Brady & I recently went 1 entire month without sex. To be fair to me, this was not entirely because of my lack of desire. It was his final month of school, and he was struggling to pass a class he needed to graduate. But now that he's done (OH YES, HE GRADUATED LAST SATURDAY, AND THE PEASANTS REJOICED!) I'm still not interested.

This has never happened to me before, and I'm not sure what's causing it, or how to fix it. I'm not sure if it's the medication I've been taking, or if it's the stress and struggles of trying to get pregnant, or what it is. The act of sex just doesn't seem appealing and definitely not worth the effort required. We are having sex lots and lots during the one week we need to to try to get pregnant, but not at all at any other times. I know this is a problem, but I just have no drive.

Anyone got any tips? I don't like being this way. Brady is out of school, I graduate in a month, and I was thinking we'd be wearing each other out due to all the FREE TIME. Instead, we're both taking lots of naps and complaining about not having sex. I don't know, maybe we're both just exhausted and need a couple of weeks to recuperate.

I wish I missed the sex, though.

Free Advice

2008-05-09T09:33:00.002-04:00

Men: Don't eat your wife's leftovers. Even if she hasn't "claimed" it to be her lunch the next day, you should not assume it is yours. It is not. It is hers. When she makes a special point of asking for a take-out cup of sauce, this should be an indication she plans on consuming said leftover. Making it your second dinner of the evening will only make her more mad, as you also sent her to bed alone. Eating her leftovers (without asking) will result in bad karma. Lots of it.

Sup

2008-05-04T17:41:00.002-04:00

I just finished my homework and have a few minutes before I surrender control of the keyboard to Brady for the rest of the day, so I thought I'd post something meaningless. I'm good at that. : )

I "broke" our laptop the other day when I accidentally pushed it off the arm of the couch (closed), and the power cord that was plugged into the back of the computer was jostled... now the cord doesn't work. Guess we're gonna have to get that fixed. Makes it difficult for us both to get our homework done, but it's only for ONE WEEK BECAUSE YES MY FRIENDS, NEXT SATURDAY, THAT HUSBAND OF MINE IS GOING TO G-RAD-U-ATE. Pomp & Circumstance and tassles and gowns and all that rot. If you think I'm excited, happy, elated, borderline uncontrollable, well, you'd be UNDERESTIMATING MY ENTHUSIASM. 3 and a half long years in the making.

Sigh.

Round 2 of my medicated cycle proved to be similar to the first; I ovulated, but did not get pregnant. So I am on my 3rd and presumed final cycle right now. If this one doesn't work, then Brady goes in for a semen analysis. It's about time he had to contribute something to this little baby making party! :P

Otherwise, it's a gorgeous day outside and I'm sitting in my home office typing up a blog post, so obviously I need to shut up and get some sunshine while it's still around.

Eggcellent

2008-03-31T21:02:00.002-04:00

I never intended for my blogging to take on a monthly schedule, but it appears that's all I have time (or material) for these days. Hey, at least something makes a monthly appearance. (I'm looking at you, Aunt Flo!)

I had my first medicated cycle this past month. It went very well, and it turns out I ovulated and had a great result. Not great enough, however, as I did not become pregnant. (Could have had something to do with the fact that we only had sex 3x's in March, but who's counting?) I begin my 2nd treated cycle tomorrow. I hope this one works.

I have lost my passion for blogging, as things like infertility, graduation (and the threat of not), a leaking roof, and other family concerns have taken root. The initial inspiration for starting this blog still exists; however, it has changed, evolved, and while those problems still (and most likely always will in some form or another) exist, I have found a source of strength, support, and love from my husband that I didn't realize I needed.

This isn't a farewell, but just a note to say what I think everyone who might still pop in here every so often already knows; I am only going to be posting sporadically, at best. I still visit everyone's blogs and comment when I get the chance. We'll see where things go from there.

Everything Is Bigger In Texas

2008-03-13T23:15:00.002-04:00

Or at least, that's what they'd have me believe!

Brady & I are back from our week in Tejas. We spent Friday in Austin, Saturday in College Station for a friend's wedding, Sun-Wed in San Antonio, and then returned to Austin Wednesday evening. We flew out of Austin this morning at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am. Getting up at 3 this morning was, well, not on my short list of fun stuff to do on vacation, but it was a necessary evil.

Our trip was an unqualified success. We had beautiful weather the entire time. When we left early on Friday morning, a blizzard was on its way to our town. Luckily, we were out of town early enough to miss the snow. I talked with a co-worker today and found out we missed out on 15" of snow this past weekend! Phew.

It's sad to think that just yesterday, my husband & I were enjoying lunch on the patio along the San Antonio Riverwalk at Casa Rio, snacking on fresh tortillas and tamales, sipping iced tea with the sun shining on my back. But, it's also nice to know I work tomorrow and then have 2 days off. So it could always, ALWAYS be worse.

If I'm feeling ambitious, I might post some pictures from our trip in the next few days. Suffice it to say, we had a wonderful time, and tried to get some baby-making time in there as well. The medication I had to take is counter-productive in that it causes vaginal dryness, and there's not much you can use that's safe for sperm, so that was an interesting obstacle to overcome.

So basically, we ate like pigs, walked many miles, saw the Alamo, experienced what it's like to hit 80 degrees in early March, had a lot of Mexican/Tex/Mex food, and got totally confused being in the central time zone when daylight savings ended. I did miss my bed, and I missed Mr. Bear. Otherwise, 'you may all go to hell, and I will go to Texas!', or so said the infamous David Crockett. :D

Refresher Course

2008-02-17T22:39:00.002-05:00

This past week, Brady & I engaged in a refresher course on something very important.

Good sex.

The "making a baby sex" hasn't turned out to be nearly as muchfun as we would've hoped it would be, what with the shots & the charting & the mucus & the infertility and all. Setting the alarm for 5 am to attemp procreating hasn't proved to be a welcome part of our already stressful lives. So we were sort of (desperately) in need of a change in the routine.

Enter Valentine's Day.

We didn't exchange gifts. I didn't even get him a card. He got me 2 cards and playfully stuck little hearts in random spots around the house (my cell phone, the shower stall, my box of Carnation Instant Breakfast, etc.) that had cute little sayings on them (Soulmate, Cutie, Hug Me, et al) and that was the extent. Somehow, this culminated in us having some of the hottest sex we've ever had.

Like, Mr. & Mrs. Smith style, without the ammo. It was awesome.

And then Friday night, we did it again! This time I pretended to be a "one night stand" and he was himself and "I" (the wife) was out of town. It was fun being someone else, although really still being me. I can't explain what it was that we did that was so much fun (I think it was all the heavy-duty making out while we made dinner together) but it sure was fun. It ended with us, once again, having sex in The Big Chair in the living room. The chair was so worth the money.

This has relieved a big part of the stress and pressure that we've been feeling about having to have sex. We needed a reminder that sex can be fun, fulfilling, and without pressure. It was just fun.

And for 3 days or so, I forgot that I'm supposed to be obsessed with the whole "pregnancy" thing. Which is nice.

February Blahs

2008-02-13T19:04:00.002-05:00

I got nothin'.

There's nothing new going on around here. I have wonky periods and can't even muster up enough ... whatever it is... to start so I can start taking my medication, but whatever. I have been an emotional wreck without the period... lucky Brady. : )

Counting down the days 'til we go to Texas... going somewhere warm and (hopefully) sunny and not in this town and just the two of us sounds so heavenly right now. The whole "you can't make a baby!" thing is getting to me a bit. My coworker's 13 year old daughter had a baby in September and having to hear what a "nuisance" she is is rather taxing. But I digress.

Blah.

OH! I wanted to add one thing to my "peeve" list. People who leave large amounts of space between their car and the car in front of them. Like, 10' or more. Car lengths. Ridiculous amounts of space. These people are selfish. They are in their own world. They are in the twilight zone. They are on my shit list.

I have to make a left turn on my way to work everyday, in a busy intersection. There is only room for about 6 cars in the lane. When you are eating up 3 spots by leaving 2 empty spaces in front of you, my ass is hanging out in the road. People miss green lights. Intersections get blocked. TAJALUDE GETS MAAAAAAAAD.

I'm not asking you to nuzzle the bumper of the Kia in front of you. But for the love of Pete. Pay attention. Be aware. There are lots of other people on the roads.

Don't make me nudge you.

Eggscuse Me?

2008-02-06T23:50:00.000-05:00

Apparantly, my body does not like to produce eggs. Or if it does, it doesn't like to send the out into the world.

Confirming what I have suspected for, well, basically forever, I am going to have to have some help with this whole "pregnancy" thing. I do not ovulate, and am going to have to start taking an oral medication to start stimulating egg production. I am somewhat relieved that there is something I can do to help this process, and also depressed that I what I knew all along (but tried to be positive about because everyone told me to be) is actually true: My body is a pain in the ass.

So, in addition to taking my 2 shots a day in the belly, I'll soon be taking something else. We're just getting started in this journey, but I'm documenting it here: If I can't get pregnant without unreasonable intervention (in-vitro fertilization, expensive fertility treatments, etc) then we're just not going to do it. BUT, that's a ways off, so I will remain positive for now!

Otherwise, there's nothing new going on in these parts. Brady is in his last semester, I am in my 2nd to last term, and I'm just trying to hang on 'til the end.

Also, I just wanted to say that I love my mom. She gets on my nerves, and she's goofy (in a good way and a bad way) and she's, well, she's what moms are. But really, she's awesome, and I get a lot of my awesomeness from her. You gotta love a woman like this.

Pure 100% awesomeness. My mom.

Good, Clean, Family Fun

2008-01-25T23:42:00.000-05:00

I don't remember where I found this, but I thought it was a good way to burn a few minutes.

Create Your Own Album!

1. Click on this link. The title of the page is the name of your band.

2. Click on this link. The last four words of the final quotation on the page are the title of your album.

3. Click on this link. The third picture is your album cover.

4. Add your band name and title to the picture, and you're practically the 2nd coming of the Beatles. (Or the third, if you count Oasis.)

March of the Penguins & Me

2008-01-22T23:50:00.000-05:00

Free Advice:

When you buy airline tickets, do not check the price a week later. You will only be disappointed. And pissed.

Brady & I are flying down to Texas in March for a friends wedding, and bought our tickets a week ago. I checked, on a whim, what the price was yesterday. I could've saved $100. A hundred bucks! Pisses me right off. I have sworn off ever checking the price again.

Speaking of Texas... does anyone know of anything good to do in the Austin or San Antonio area? Good restaurants? Fun things? I know about The Alamo, and Riverwalk, but anyone know of any hidden gems? This is our first trip to Texas and we're really looking forward to it.

Speaking of Brady, WOOHOO for my boy Tom Brady on their victory. Way excited!! Go Pats.

WTF? First Brad Renfro, then Heath ledger... this is really getting depressing.

Can I just state for the record, how much I love the fact that there's a writer's strike? I feel like I have a life. It amazes me how much of my life is consumed with television. I've TiVo'd some movies from TV but in general, I've been concentrating more on my schoolwork and checking out some new tunes. Hopefully I'll remember this when the strike is over and TV returns to business as usual.

I took a 2.5 hour nap tonight. Pretty sure I'm gonna be up for awhile. I've got March Of the Penguins on. Nothing warms the cockles of my heart like penguins!!

Still not pregnant... at least, I don't think so. We'll find out next week. I'm trying not to be too obsessive about the whole thing, but it's difficult. I feel that there is something ... off, with me physically, but I think it's too soon to get too worked up about it. I'll give it a couple of months and then talk to my doctor.

Is it weird that I'm jealous of the eroticism between these two penguins?? Seriously. Way hotter than most stuff that goes on at this house.

I'm looking at the bright side... if I AM pregnant, I'm pretty sure we won't be required to balance our babe on our feet for 8 months.

My Husband's Vagina

2008-01-17T23:21:00.000-05:00

That's right. I'm pretty sure my husband is working on growing his own "vajayjay".

It started a few years ago, back in 2002 or 2003. I caught him watching something... odd. On our home television. Not odd if he were a 12 year old girl, but odd for a 20 something year old man. That show? That show was Lizzie McGuire.

Right.

Then, it was Even Stevens. Ok. Kinda weird, but, whatever.

But then it started manifesting itself elsewhere. He started throwing out random quotes from Bring It On and Mean Girls. He was listening to Hilary Duff music and saying "I kinda like that new Ashley Simpson song... "

But it's gotten much worse. I now catch him occassionally watching Hannah Montana. He knows at least some of the words to the theme song. (Some is too much.) And his Christmas wish? My So Called Life, the Complete Series, on DVD.

Thank God we've had lots of sex to offset the possible damage.

I just hope we don't have our periods at the same time. That would be a real drag.

Where Fore Art Thou, Lisa Frank?

2008-01-15T23:02:00.000-05:00

It's January, and that has always been my least favorite month. January, to me, is like the first day of school. You start the day off optimistic. You have a kick-ass Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper. You've got some new No. 2's. New LA Gear sneaks. A fly haircut. Lunch money. You've tight-rolled your jeans just so. Life is good.

This year, you've promised yourself you're going to be great. You're going to do your homework. You have new crayons WITH A SHARPENER. You're going to "go with" the boy you have a crush on. You're going to have the coolest hair. You're going to make this the best year EVER.

And right... that lasts about 12 minutes before you wreck your trapper, you've already outgrown your LA Gear, and experiment for the first time with a curling iron with horrifying results. Homework is hard. Boys are dumb. School is a waste of your time. You start counting down the days until Christmas Break.

That, is my January.

I start off January thinking I'm going to do things differently, I'm going to improve this, eliminate that, cut those, and fit into that. So yeah. I started off optimistic, and that optimism has long since snuck out the backdoor.

But, I'm not giving up. I got up before work this morning to walk on the treadmill, Brady made dinner when he got home, I did the dishes, and then I did Pilates. I did some homework. The house is clean. Brady and I have had sex like 80x's this month. Brady will graduate in May, I will graduate in June.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. We might just make it afterall.

And I hope Lisa Frank is available to decorate my grad party.

Cliche

2008-01-09T22:03:00.000-05:00

So I know it's a total cliche, but you don't get ituntil you live it.

I found out today that a friend of mine that I've known for 10 years, who lives in Louisiana, was killed yesterday in an auto accident. She was off from work for the day, having stayed up late with her husband and family the night before watching her LSU Tigers dismantle the Bucks. She left home shortly after 11 to run an errand. She was going to take her nearly 8-week old baby with her, but her mother-in-law talked her out of it. Less than 10 minutes later, she was struck by an 18 wheeler and died instantly. She leaves behind a husband, an 8 week old daughter, and a 2 year old son. 29 years old.

I received word via a group e-mail sent by her husband. He is originally from England, so I'm not sure what will happen next. They had just bought their first house last summer, and I'm not sure if he plans on staying in the states, or going back to England with the kids. I'm sure right now he's just concentrating on getting through one day at a time.

Others have blogged about it, and we've all heard about it, and I've always been sort of indifferent. A friend or acquaintance dies, and you realize how precious life is, and you hold our loved ones closer, and you promise not to take life for granted, etc etc. I've seen others state it but it doesn't mean much coming from someone else. Maybe that's just me, I don't know.

I don't expect anyone to get anything new out of what I'm saying here. I just feel like I want to have a record to look back on the next time Brady gets on my nerves, or the next time I sweat the small stuff. A record that reminds me that I've got it pretty good. My life is really, really beautiful. It really is. It's not perfect, but it's pretty great. I get to get up every morning, I get to go to work and earn money to support my family, and I get to come home every night to a man who really does love me. At the end of the day, I'm pretty freakin' fortunate. And no one knows how long I'll have it so good.

BOHICA, Florida. BOHICA.

2008-01-07T16:53:00.000-05:00

That's right. WE DID IT. We took care of business. (I say "we", because someone had to watch the game from home and make her hair look really freakin' scary from trying to pull it out everytime there was a big play. And there were a LOT of big plays.)

If nothing else, it has silenced some of the naysayers (my husband) who complain that the Big 10 is too slow, and stuck in the 70's. It was nice. I was so happy for Coach Carr, and happy for Hart, Henne, and Long, getting to go out winners. WHOOPEE!!

I have no news to add. Not pregnant. Not surprised. I consider this to be our first month of "OFFICIAL" trying. Brady starts back to class on Monday next week, so we have one more full week of bumpin' uglies!

Oh yeah, Christmas was cool.

Heavy

2007-12-24T13:03:00.000-05:00

I think sometimes, the solution to a seemingly unsolvable problem is much simpler than I thought it was.

My husband and I are having a hard time right now, that trying to get pregnant has forced us to face.

While that might sound like a curse, it really has been a blessing.

I have learned something important about myself.

I've learned that I would rather keep company with my former hurts and grievances than with my loving husband.

How backwards is that??

I'd rather hang onto old hurt feelings, mistakes, and be miserable.

I'd rather remind him of why I was mad at him in 2001 instead of letting him love me today.

Don't get me wrong, he has hurt me. But how long do I carry that around before it starts to get too heavy? Before it starts distracting me from what I should be doing, which is loving my husband, flaws and all?

The answer is I carried around too long already, and now I'm getting rid of it.

I wrote a list of every hurt that I still let sting me in the past 9 years of our relationship.

It's not for him to see. Trust me, he knows. He knows every tiny detail about that list.

It's for me, and now that it's all out on paper, I'm going to burn it.

It's time to move forward. It's time to forgive and while I know I'll never forget, it's time to be present in the here and now.

I married a wonderful man who loves me, and I'm not letting him keep his promises. I'm not letting him love me.

Thus marks the end, and the beginning.

Haha, Fooled Ya!

2007-12-17T22:30:00.000-05:00

Bet ya'll thought I was either dead, dying, or still mourning the loss of the OSU game. No, I'm still around. Busier than ever and with absolutely no time to blog, but I'm around. I have about 15 minutes before the battery on my laptop dies, so I will just see where that takes me.

Brady & I hosted our very first Thanksgiving for my parents last month, and it went very well. We made our first turkey and it was delicious! My parents went shopping on Black Friday and bought us our Christmas presents, 2 new ladders and an over-the-range microwave. Obviously, they left them here for us. We used the new ladder to hang our Christmas lights, which was also our first time. It looks alright. Nothing fancy, but we used what we had. Hopefully we can hit some sales after Christmas.

We just got back from visiting my parents and family in MI for the weekend. We also went to a Christmas party at a friend of mine's house, which was a lot of fun. 2 of my good friends there are pregnant... one is about 21 weeks, and the other is about 13. I felt very sorry for myself. I realize we just started this process, but I think it was sometime during a conversation they were having, like they were in their own world, discussing how amazing it was to get an ultrasound and what a great moment it was for them and their husbands and how their pants were starting to not fit, and I had to walk away in the middle to go take a shot, and return to my husband's side, the same husband who hasn't had sex with me more than 1x in over a month. I just felt like an outsider. Before anyone rolls their eyes and tells me to adopt a child, save it for someone else. Just some free advice.

So anyway... I'll find out on Wednesday (I guess) if this month is the lucky month. We had intercourse one time this month, at 6 in the morning, using an alarm clock to wake us up, because we had to. If we get lucky based on that, well, I'm going to start playing the lottery.

In happier news, my football team has hired a new coach!! Exciting times are comin'. Is it September yet!?!?

On the Bright Side...

2007-11-13T23:55:00.001-05:00

I'm trying a new thing where I look on the bright side of crap.

...it's fortunate that my drive to work today took an hour and a half, because I did not notice all of those cars driving to work with their parking lights on.

...it's fortunate I chose not to open the passenger side door for any reason while stuck in said traffic, as I would've LOST the door to the Ford Escape that tried desperately to live up to its' name by driving along the shoulder. I'm so happy I didn't slow him down.

...it's fortunate I'm not pregnant this month (although still, no period... what up G?) because Brady & I were able to engage in an all but forgotten pasttime: Oral Sex. Good, goooooood times.

...it's fortunate Tuesday only has 3 minutes to go.

...it's fortunate that I'm going to miss the Ohio State/Michigan game this Saturday to visit Brady's uncle in the pen. Who needs the stress?

Optimism is hard.

Beginner's Luck

2007-11-10T14:33:00.001-05:00

We ain't got it.

I'm sure it was too much to hope for. Seeing that we only managed to have sex about 4-5 times in the past 3 weeks, it was all but inconceivable (ha!) that we would get lucky our first month out. Despite my period being at least 1 day late, t'was not to be. I am not surprised, nor honestly disappointed, but there was a small sliver of "maaaayyyybee..." in the back of my mind. But the lack of any sort of pregnancy symptom and the lack of intercourse left little doubt. Maybe next month.

I have to take just a moment to vent about something. Something that churns my stomach, that reddens my face, that irritates me to a point of insanity. I cannot wrap my ginormous brain around it and I flat-out don't get it.

People who drive with their parking lights on.

Ok, maybe I just don't get it, but WTF IS UP WITH THAT!?!? I about wrecked with a car the other day as I was changing lanes because I could not see their miniscule parking lights. I see them every evening on the drive home. It's dusk. It's going to be dark, like, DARK, before they get home. And they have parking lights on. WHY!?! WHY WOULD ANYONE USE PARKING LIGHTS!?!? WHY ARE THEY EVEN THERE!?!?

I cannot express how much this bothers me. Way more than it should for something that's out of my control, but there you have it. If it's dark enough to require lights, TURN ON YOUR FREAKING HEADLIGHTS. You turn on those parking lights that provide NO help for you, and virtually no enhanced visibility for the rest of the motorists on the road.

If I ever catch any one of you that read this blog and you're driving with your parking lights on, well. I hold no responsibility for my actions. You've been warned.

Otherwise, my Wolverines are getting their asses handed to them by the Badgers and it's such an inept performance on both offense and defense that it just makes me wish the team bus would drive past me with JUST THEIR PARKING LIGHTS ON so I'd have an excuse to... oh nevermind, Mallett just threw to Manningham from the 2 yard line and took it all the way to the endzone. Maybe they aren't so bad.

I'm off to google whether or not I can drink alcohol with these shots. I think I've earned one.

Drive-By Posting

2007-10-31T23:00:00.001-04:00

Well, I guess it’s time for one of my bi-weekly check ins, no?

Feeling unorganized, so I will resort to bullet style notes.

· First of all, Happy Halloween!! We cancelled our Halloween party. Things just weren’t working out... with so many school commitments, and the pressure of planning a party combined with trying to get pregnant and just starting these shots, it just didn’t work. Maybe next year. We were both disappointed, but it was for the best.
· To make up for it, Brady has washed the dishes this evening in a glow in the dark Jason mask. Scaaaaaaary!
· For better or worse, trying to make a baby has brought up a lot of issues that we need to work on. They’ve really been brought to the forefront now that we’re actually “trying”, and we’ve had to spend some time confronting them. Obviously they’re not “resolved”, but it’s a work in progress. Hopefully forward progress.
· My FFL teams suck. All 3 of them. Terrible. I am 3-5, 4-4, and 2-6. 2-6, people! In the league where I have my best record, I have 97 points more than the nearest team, and am still 4-4. What’s up with that?!?! I hate you, Shaun Alexander.
· My Wolverines are looking SO much better now. I’m so glad. This has been the weirdest, wildest, most exciting season of college football in recent memory. You never know from one week to the next who’s going to upset who, and I love it! As long as my team is done being upset, that is. 3 or 4 games into the season, I was just hoping we could maybe be the spoiler for OSU, but now if we win out, we’ll actually be in a BCS game! Weird, wild, wacky shtuff.
· I wonder if William Shatner is offended that they used his likeness for the Michael Myers mask??? He’s totally terrifying!
· Trick or treaters are FREAKING ADORABLE!! My two favorites tonight were a 3 year old dressed as a lady bug, who reminded me of me with blonde curls and big blue eyes, waddling down the driveway to show her mom her loot; my other favorite was a little boy, I’m guessing about 3-4, dressed as Brett Favre. He had on a helmet that was at least 3 sizes too large, and it was on crooked, so I could only see one eye. I wonder if this was a last minute costume idea inspired by MNF? So cute I could’ve sacked him.
· Halloween II is not as good as I remember, and I don’t remember it being all that great.
· It could be worse... it could be Halloween III: Season Of the Witch!
· This Sunday is Pats vs. Colts. The UofM legendary QB Tom Brady, vs. the UT legendary QB Peyton Manning. My husband takes issue with me saying “vs”, as two QB’s don’t face “each other”, but everyone knows that’s exactly what it is. My money is on the Pats. Brady is way hotter. (Both Bradys. : )
· Can anyone recommend any scary movies? I’m fresh out.
· Back to studying for finals... blah!!!!!!!

Time Flies

2007-10-21T22:02:00.000-04:00

... when you're imitating a polka dot.

I didn't realize it had been 4 weeks since my last update, and certainly didn't intend for that to be the case. Life, as always, has been busy.

Brady & I continue working and going to school fulltime, and it has really taken a toll on our time together. If we aren't at work, we're at school. If we aren't at school, we're doing homework. If we're not doing homework, we're trying to get some sleep. If we aren't trying to get some sleep, we're trying to get enough done around our house to not let it turn into a complete stye. If we're not doing that, we're vegging out to save our sanity. Time with each other is a luxury we seem to not be able to afford, and yet, desperately need to find a way to fit it in. It's a work in progress.

I had a girlfriend from Michigan visiting last weekend, which was a riot. I haven't made many friends since we moved to this area almost 5 years ago, and have desperately missed having a chick to hang with. We stayed up late, drank some adult beverages, and basically just shot the shit for 3 days. It was great! I wish I could make some friends in this area, but no one will replace her.

Speaking of friends, Brady & I are throwing a Halloween party next weekend. Our first ever party! We're very excited but woefully under prepared. We are in way over our heads. We barely have time to sleep, who do we think we are that we think we can throw a party for 20 people!?!? It'll be our luck we either a) throw a tremendous party that no one shows up for, or b) throw a rotten party that everyone shows up for, either way cementing our future as being The Place Where Parties Go To Die, so who knows. My pessimism keeps me young.

So yeah, in reference to the polka dots, here's how I'm doing so far on my Lovenox injections. The largest bruise you see is from the first shot; I had to talk myself up for it, and it did not go well. I did not pull the needle out at the same angle from which I put it in, and I'm pretty sure I wiped the injection site (there was a small trickle of blood) I have gotten much better, however, and the last 3 have left no mark whatsoever. Yay!

We had sex for the first time in I'm not even sure how long last night, and while it was far from the best sex we've ever had (hard to remember as it's been so long) it was definitely a start. We're on an every-other-day rotation for the next week to two weeks as I still cannot figure out the mystical world of ovulation. Good times.

Speaking of Halloween... anyone got any good, low-priced couples costumes?? We're desperate!!!

Thanks, Dr. P.!

2007-09-24T21:34:00.001-04:00

I saw a new hematologist today, and I have to say, THANK YOU, DR. P. You have been beyond helpful.

My previous hematologist was... well, for lack of a better word, terrible. She did no blood testing, she did not ask me any questions, she did nothing. She told me to just go ahead and get pregnant while taking my coumadin (which is highly contraindicated during pregnancy, especially the first 8 weeks of pregnancy, when it can do the most damage) and then switch to the injections when I got a positive pregnancy test. (Which could be weeks into pregnancy.) She did not make eye contact, and she seemed more or less uninterested and did not take my concerns seriously.

At the recommendation of my OB/GYN, I saw a new doctor today. What a difference! He did a very in-depth family history, personal history, and went over EVERYTHING with me. He did a physical exam and we devised a plan for pregnancy. I cannot tell you how much better I felt about seeing this doctor than the last one. They drew blood (21 VIALS WORTH) and I will start my injections very, very shortly. This is starting to develop and I'm getting very excited!

Otherwise, things are alright on the homefront. No sex, but what else is new? Once I start shots (which cost insurance $3,000/month) we HAVE to have sex, so I guess I'll just take it when I (have to) can...

Further Proof I Don't Know Everything

2007-09-16T22:44:00.001-04:00

Ok, so "fragile" is probably not the best way to describe UM's freshman QB. I was unaware the boy was 6'6" and 220#. (Or, 6'7" 247#, or 8'2" and a half ton, depending on which William Wallace factsite you're reading at the time.) He got the job done. He's got a long ways to go to reach Tom Brady Dreamy Status (he needs to at least get through acne season) but he has potential. I've always had a thing for tall guys.

Where was I? Oh right. The UM game! I can finally wear my Michigan shirt and not be sad that I have to cover up The Girls while making sure no one knows I am not only supporting a Big 10 team, but also one that was 0-2 before yesterday. Thank goodness. If UM would just learn to defend the spread offense, we could dominate. Maybe when Carr is gone, who knows.

Tennessee lost this Saturday, so now Brady & I have something in common: Not only are both of our teams 1-2, but now we are expending a lot more energy on our FF teams than ever. There's always '08!

Otherwise, the ASD (Abysmal Sex Drought) '07 continues in full-effect. We had sex a few nights ago, and while I was on top, Brady had a sudden, splitting headache and we had to stop. It was a little scary for a few minutes. We think what happened was his head was slightly hanging over the edge of the bed, and he has had horrible allergy and sinus issues for the past few weeks, and the pressure built up and just started throbbing. Not really the part you want throbbing in the heat of the moment, but whaddya gonna do? No big finish for him, and nothing since. I'm trying to see how much money we can get if we donate our genitals to science. I'm thinking maybe enough to hire some goons to take care of Reggie Wayne so that Marvin Harrison can start getting some catches. Not that I have Harrison on my FF team or anything...

Yeah, that's what I've got. Lots of homework, lots of home work (remember all those trees in my backyard? They all have lots of leaves... lots of them. We raked the yard for 6 hours on Saturday, and let me tell you, we could hide a body out there. A full-sized body... like, an entire wide receiver... just saying!) and hardly any time for us. I love, and I hate, this time of year.

What I've Learned This Week

2007-09-11T21:29:00.000-04:00

Wow, what an educational week it's been.

First of all, who is this guy? Apparantly this is the guy that's going to lead Michigan to victory on Saturday. At least, that's what Mike Hart is saying. Chad Henne is out, and this fragile looking gentleman is in. Should be a doozy. I never thought Notre Dame vs. Michigan would be the pillowfight of the week.

Secondly, MICHIGAN SUCKS!! I can't believe what's going on right now. So depressing. I started the season so excited... now... not so much.

Third... If you're going to scalp tickets to an SEC game, make sure your seats aren't located directly in front of the dance squad.

It's hard on a gal's self esteem. (I'm far too pasty to be able to pull orange off, anyway.)

Additionally, when you go to BD's Mongolian Barbeque, do not make 3 trips to the grill. You will regret it. For about 2 hours the next day you will regret it. (And for about 4 hours the day after that, as your button pops off your pants.)

Lastly, if Brady & I are going to make a baby eventually, we need to practice. We've had intercourse twice in 5 weeks. I'm afraid we'll forget which parts go where and wonder why I never get pregnant.

This is what I get for getting the economy sized box of condoms.

When will I learn??

*sigh*

Hurt So Good

2007-09-01T21:44:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so... Michigan has just handed itself the biggest upset in college football history. My boys. My Michigan Wolverines. I will save you the diatribe in which I wax poetic on how it was done wrong and how it should've been done and what I want to see happen to Lloyd Carr. I will just say it was painful, disappointing, and, well... it's going to be a long-ass season.

The game ended, and I instantly shut the TV off. My brother who is visiting immediately jumped up off the couch and ripped his Michigan shirt off. It was just a bad time for a Michigan fan. So, he and his friend left to go to the amusement park.

Brady & I played a couple of games of cribbage to try to cool me down, but I was having none of it. After smoking his ass twice in a row, we decided to order pizza. Our ETA for the pizza was 30-40 minutes. I had a brilliant idea.

Pushing Brady by the shoulders, we flew up the stairs and decided to have a quickie. We did not waste time. We got straight to work and had a surprisingly satisfying romp. We got dressed and headed back downstairs (18 minutes from the minute we ordered the pizza to the minute we arrived downstairs) and voila, the pizza was here.

Best way I've ever killed time waiting for a pizza in my life.

And the pain of losing? Not so bad anymore. ; )

2007-08-29T16:18:00.000-04:00

I realized it's been awhile since I've done any kind of update, and realized you poor souls probably haven't slept since August 20th when I did my last update. So really, this is for you. For mankind. Because I am a generous sort who doesn't like to see anyone suffer.

(Shut up.)

Because I am feeling out of sorts, this will be done bullet style. (I just watched Boyz N the Hood, I think it's wearing off on me.)

*My job is starting to suck. I rarely blog about work on here, because it's not really an issue. I have one of those jobs that allows me to go to work and then go home and never the twain shall meet. Recently big changes have come to my little spot in the workforce, causing some unusual stress for me. I even started venting my spleen towards Brady, which is unusual for me, regarding work issues. We hired a new girl (I will make this short, I swear) and she is already quitting. She's been here since June. She was a quick study, easy to get along with, and fit in well. Her only drawback was she isn't the hardest of workers, but I could overlook that. Unfortunately she realized very quickly that this job is crap, and is going back to where she came from. Hmph. I'm not sure if I'm mad she's leaving, or jealous.

*I have started charting my BBT (basal body temperature) and cervical... fluid. Good times. Also, I learned the internet is an ideal place to go if you are wanting to scare the holy poop out of yourself. Upon noticing my BBT seemed rather low, I googled "Low bbt" only to find out I am probably dying of hypothyroidism or adrenal fatigue and will never get pregnant. Good times!! Knowledge is power... dangerous, dangerouspower.

*Brady & I took this Friday off so as to have a nice 4-day weekend to spend together getting some home projects done. (Like joining the college football Pick Em competition and participating in another draft for my 2nd and his 3rd fantasy football league of the season. God help me. Weren't we going to do a blogger FF league? I'm pretty sure if I join 3 FF leagues, I'll have to turn my vagina in for a penis. Not sure that's going to get me pregnant.)

*My twerpy brother called and invited himself over this weekend. I said yes before I realized he was bringing his "boyfriend" with him and spend THE ENTIRE WEEKEND with us. *sigh*. At least they have plans while they are here. I'm not gonna entertain them!

*The boob-sweat is still in fullforce. We haven't had any significant rainfall here in over 3 months, either. Everything is parched and brown, to an extent I've never seen. I figure if all else fails, I can use some of my "grass" to stuff in my bra as a means of absorbing excess sweat. (Gross.)

*Rude people piss me off. It takes more energy to be nasty than it does to just be civil. You don't have to kiss my ass, but you don't have to be nasty.

*Why am I the only person that knows how to drive? I swear...

*Condom sex is not so great. However, I stand by the notion that no sex is worse.

*I am not a fan of WalMart, but I'm not against it, either. I am ambiguous on WalMart. I go about once a month, if that. I like it, I don't like it, I don't know. But I do know that they want to build one in my town, and it's 2.2 miles away from the one they built a year and a half ago. 2.2 miles. WTF???

*I have a "sight-threatening" bacterial keratitis disorder. Ain't that sweet??? Glasses, not to sweet. Anyone want to pony up the cash for lasik? :D

I guess that's about it. Enjoy your rest, everyone!

'Round These Parts

2007-08-20T21:25:00.001-04:00

Ok, first of all...

WHEN IS IT GOING TO COOL DOWN?!?!? JUST A LITTLE BIT!?!?

I am so sick of this weather. I feel like a SLUG. And it’s so funny. I have such a short term memory when it comes to weather... when it’s this hot, I feel like I’ll never be cold again. But before I know it, I’ll be shivering in my car and searching for my mittens-on-a-string and longing for summer, because surely it’s NEVER been THIS COLD before, and I’ll never be warm again!

I could just use a break from the boob-sweat is all.

Otherwise, there’s nothing of much interest or consequence going on ‘round these parts lately. Since getting my IUD taken out last week, I’ve had my first period in 3 years, so that’s been... well, nearly as much fun as I remember. It’s also taken me off the market for the past week, so Brady & I are hoping tonight we can work it out.

We’ve also started a “new lifestyle” this week. We’re trying to eat healthier (fresh fruits instead of ice cream, grilled chicken instead of frozen pizza) and exercise. I even got up at 6 am to walk on the treadmill this morning! I know, it’s only day 1, but I feel pretty good so far.

We are both wanting to get healthier for “baby time”. We’ve got about 2 months before we start trying, and I think we can make some significant changes. We’ve never really held ourselves to any sort of standard before, but with something bigger than us looming in the future, it’s giving us some much needed motivation.

Speaking of the Baby Factory, it’s funny how that’s changed us. It’s really brought us closer together. Even though we’re really having the least amount of sex we’ve had in awhile, I’ve never felt closer to my husband. He’s really become more interested in our future family plans, and I don’t feel like I’m alone in this. Other things seem important besides just “us”, and I’ve found that taking the focus off of ME and MY needs and what HE’s not doing for ME, I’ve found that he’s a really terrific partner, & husband.

Been kinda nice ‘round these parts.

Fertile Myrtle

2007-08-14T20:09:00.000-04:00

Well, my birthday was an unqualified success.

After getting flowers delivered at work (way to go, Brady!), my parents drove down from MI on Friday, and they, Brady, and I all met up at Outback for dinner on Friday night. After a thorough stuffing we headed back to the house and played cards 'til after midnight. Among the cards and snacks we had a birthday cake and gifts... Brady got me 2 of the CD's I had desperately been wanting (Randy Roger's Band & Lee Roy Parnell, if you are desperate to know). He also got me 3 movies that I own on VHS but not on DVD that are favorites. (Thoroughly Modern Millie, Gone With the Wind, and Boyz n The Hood. You can say many things about me, but you cannot say I am not diverse!) (Sadly, birthday nookie was off the table due to bilateral exhaustion. Did I just say bilateral?)

I also got Dr. Pepper flavored chapstick. This is more awesome than it sounds.

We spent the weekend with my folks playing cards, eating, napping, shopping, eating, napping, playing cards, etc. It wasn't exactly stimulating but it was fun.

Unfortunately, the heat is taking a wicked toll on me.

I can't really explain it, but I am the most heat intolerant AND cold intolerant person I've ever met. I can't handle being overly hot, or too cold. Not only am I a total bitch, but I'm exhausted. And if you haven't stepped outside in the past, oh, 3 weeks, it's "Everything-Al-Gore-Said-Must-Be-True-Because-I-Have-So-Much-Boob-Sweat-That-I-Could-Drown-A-Puppy" hot outside. If the phrase boob sweat grosses you out or makes you uncomfortable, come on down and sit by me. We have a lot in common.

What does this mean for Taja? This means sex 1x in the past like, 20 days. And ya know what? I'm not all that upset about it. I should be, but I'm not. I get home from work and feel like I ran all the way. I'm only outside for a few minutes a day, but it doesn't matter. Sheer exhaustion. It doesn't help that our A/C doesn't exactly make our house an icebox, and that hazy warmth is an immediate recipe for unconsciousness.

So, tonight Brady & I went for a walk around the neighborhood, and right now he's out raking the leaves. (Yes, raking the leaves. You know it's hot when your LEAVES ARE CHANGING COLORS. We're now focusing desperately on keeping our trees alive. RAIN, RAIN, WHERE THE #($* ARE YOU??) I'm typing a new post mostly to stay awake, because BY GOD, WE'RE HAVING SOME FORM OF SEX TONIGHT.

I say some form, as I had my IUD removed yesterday. Yes, despite everyone elses' better judgement, we really are going forward with this whole "baby making" thing. I saw my ob/gyn yesterday for my annual, and had him tug the thing out. I told him I wanted it out and he said "Do you not like it?" looking puzzled, and I said "Heck no, I love it!" and he sort of frowned, and then made that lightbulb face where he realized what I meant.

After reviewing my chart, and getting overwhelmed with my medical history again, he referred me to a new hematologist to see for help in managing my injections. We decided (he, I, and Brady) that we will wait for my period to return, and then chart a couple of cycles, and then start on injections. Hopefully Oct/Nov will be "go time". I have my appointment with the new doctor at the end of September. His nurse said a new patient consultation is 2 hours, which is encouraging to me. My old hemo that I saw in July, I just don't care for at all, and this guy is a specialist in DVT's, blood clots, and PE's, so I think I am in good hands.

We are still working through issues, but we can't fix it all in one day. We think this is as good a time as any to get started, so we'll see!! We're terribly excited but also a little TERRIFIED.

And we need to buy some condoms in the meantime. BOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edit: Ending a dry spell is always difficult. Last night we tried "sexy hairdresser" as it was time for Brady's haircut. A low-cut shirt, a push-up bra, and a very short skirt make for a fun, fun time. And not being able to have intercourse is a beautiful travesty. If nothing else, I think our oral sex skills will infinitely improve!

Na-na-na-na-na-na

2007-08-10T09:55:00.001-04:00

... you say it's your birthday!!

29...

...for the first time. :D

Full Circle

2007-08-09T20:20:00.001-04:00

This totally makes sense now.

And this is so TMI that you might want to bail out now. There's extra 'chutes by the door.

All these years I thought my husband was just being lazy when I noticed he didn't know my body very well. I thought he just wasn't applying his 8th grade health class education. The truth?

Apparantly, they skipped 8th grade health class at my husbands school.

While rolling my eyes at my husband yet again scratching his balls while we were on the couch, I made some comment about him spending way too much time scratching his scrotum. He said "I'm not scratching my scrotum, I'm scratching my penis."

Hmm...

"What?"

"I'm scratching my penis."

"You're scratching your scrotum."

"That's my penis."

"What?"

"That's my penis. The other part is my ball sack."

I feel like I'm on Candid Camera.

"Babe, your scrotum is the "sac" that holds your testicles. Your penis is the other part."

"I thought my penis was just the tip?"

"That's the head of your penis."

"What's the shaft?"

"The 'long' part."

I even had to get out the dictionary. Webster's agrees with me.

So a 30 year old man who has had this equipment since day one doesn't know the difference between his penis and his scrotum.

And here I was upset because he didn't understand the concept of the clitoris! I should be thanking my lucky stars he isn't asking me when the next time is I might show some oral attention to his vas deferens.

Good grief.

I love my husband! (Just thought I should throw that in.)

It Was The Best Of Times...

2007-07-30T19:29:00.000-04:00

... it was the worst of times.

Yeah, so the anniversary.

I'm going to gloss over the part where Brady stormed up the stairs and left me on the couch crying after I called him something in the ballpark of a pig and skip right to the fun stuff! :D

FIRST, though, thanks to everyone for our anniversary well wishes. We DID have a fine time on Thursday evening. I'm not a big drinker (contrary to what it must look like on this blog... I just have no self control when it comes to drinking and blogging) and I take blood thinners, so it doesn't take much alcohol to get me tipsy. I had just that perfect amount Thursday night and we had a fantastic time.

Friday, the day of our anniversary, we took the day off from work and we got up and headed to our local amusement park for the afternoon. It was very, VERY hot outside. But, we stuck it out. We rode just about everything we wanted to ride, but while we were in line for one of our last rides, they closed it due to inclimate weather. I said "Let's just go", and we headed to the car. We ended up having to run the last few yards and made it to our vehicle just as it rain came. And then it POURED, and everyone pulled off the road. Good timing on our part!

After arriving back home, we took showers and got ready for dinner. We had reservations at a nice restaurant downtown. I even wore a DRESS. We got to the restaurant and realized there was a MLB game going on nearby, and that we were probably going to have valet parking. Which is fine... except... we didn't have any cash. Luckily, I had the $3 that were needed.

In quarters.

Yeah, we're class acts!!

So we were seated, and we had a wonderful dinner. The highlight was when they came around and put bibs on us. Nothing says "Look at how hot my boobs are in this dress" like a plastic bib. We had a great dinner and great conversation, and then headed home. We decided to go to the big liquor store to get some new ingredients. After dropping about $50 at the party store, we headed home and I played Sexy Bartender while we watched "Jesus Is Magic" by Sarah Silverman on TiVo.

Shortly after this is where things went tragically wrong, and I'm going to skip that part. (No sex on your anniversary is generally accepted as "bad".)

Saturday, however, we made up for it. All together now, what's the way to perk up a sagging sex life???

FEATHERS AND SPANGLES AND THIGH-HIGHS WITH BOWS!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I brought out Old Faithful at Brady's request (long story there) and had us a fine, fine time on Saturday night. So we were a day late, but we got it in. Ba-dum-bum!

Otherwise... I trimmed about 2" off of my hair and now it's incredibly short and curly and I am a little freaked out, but it'll grow back. Mmm... oh, and I mowed the yard for Brady today and he didn't criticize a darned thing!!

Welcome to year 5. :D

ps: I think this picture is a fair explanation for how the first 5 years of our marriage has gone. Me doing the hard work, and Brady talking his way out of it by complimenting my ass.

Enter Exhibit A:

FRIDAY NIGHT'S

2007-07-26T20:06:00.000-04:00

ALRIGHT FOR DRANKIN'!

SOMETIMES, WHISKY IS A GOOD THING.

SOMETIMES, WHISKY IS A GREAT THING.

SOMETIMES, WHISKY IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

I THINK THIS IS A 'WHISKY NECESSARY' EVENING.

I'VE BEEN WRONG BEFORE, BUT ONLY ONCE, AND IT WAS OVER A VERY TRIVIAL POINT.

I'M QUITE SURE I'M RIGHT ABOUT THIS.

IS IT TOTALLY WRONG THAT I'M JAMMING ALL OVER MY HOUSE LISTENING TO "PETER, BJORN, & JOHN"?

HAPPY (ALMOST) 5 YEAR ANNIVERSARY, BRADY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

whiskey. yum.

sexy husband. double yum.

Edit: I just realized this is Thursday night, but my wonderful husband and I have taken the day off tomorrow to celebrate our anniversary. Hope no one holds that minor detail against me.

Is It Just Me....

2007-07-23T00:12:00.000-04:00

...or is life a whole lot sweeter when you're getting banged regularly?

Happy Cedarversary!

2007-07-09T19:42:00.000-04:00

So it's been awhile.

I have been at odds about what I do and don't want to post here these days. While on one hand, it is "therapeutic" to post about my struggles and frustrations in my marriage, at the same time, after awhile it just feels like bitchin' and complainin'. I'm trying to find a balance, but it's difficult.

Brady & I had a nice "anniversary" getaway just before the 4th. (Our actually anniversary isn't until the 27th.) We SPLURGED and got a room at our favorite amusement park, Cedar Point, in Sandusky Ohio. Normally we either get a cheap motel room several miles from the park and drive in in the morning, or we've even camped in the back of our SUV at a campsite for $8. This time, we stayed at Hotel Breakers in the park. This year is our 5th anniversary, and we figured this was as good a time as any to live a little. Also, if this fall is truly going to be "baby making time", we better get the coaster bug out of our systems now.

We (I) spent Saturday cleaning and doing laundry and packing for the trip. Brady started a project that was due for his history class around 8 pm that evening, and ended up coming to bed at 4:30. I got up at 5:15. It is no great surprise to learn that I did all the driving. We arrived at the park around 1 on Sunday, and spent the rest of the day at the park.

We had wonderful, WONDERFUL weather at the park. It was in the low 70's, sunny, no humidity, and a cool breeze blowing. We spent 9 hours at the park on Sunday, 13 on Monday, and 5 on Tuesday. We got our money's worth! The park has 15 adult-sized coasters, and we rode every single one of 'em, and most of them even with our hands up. I know, we're rockstars.

Wednesday was spent with us laying around the house recovering from our major walkathon at the park, and grilling out some new recipe burgers on the grill. The most disappointing part for me of the entire 5 day weekend, which was also meant to be our anniversary gift to ourselves, was that we had 5 days off together and never even once came close to anything that could be construed as sex. I folded Brady's underwear, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't count for much.

So now we're back at the old grind and I have no more big events to look forward to. We have a family reunion next Saturday in Michigan, and then after that, we'll be at home 'til football season. Brady and I have been both trying very hard to be positive and encouraging with each other and to try to make some positive changes in our relationship. We're trying something out that I am not going to document in print because that's a surefire way to jinx it, if I know me.

All in all, life isn't all bad today.

Pt II

2007-06-25T10:55:00.000-04:00

Where were we? Ahh, yes, crying in the car.

So I was having a hard time dealing with the whole porn thing. I brought it up again in the car and wanted details. Probably a bad idea, but hey, I'm notorious for such things, right? What kind, what time, etc. I got vague answers. I told him basically it felt like we had no desire for each other while I was in town, and a day and a half after I leave he's looking for porn and taking care of business on his own. I have tried to send him pictures, stories, etc., and did he use any of these items? No. I told him it felt like even though I wasn't "there", he still picked porn over me. He didn't and doesn't see it that way, and we'll have to agree to disagree on this point.

I had to break it down for him. Basically, I told him that since day 1 I've felt like I was never really his type. I was never really what he "wanted", and that I have struggled to feel wanted by him since we met. It's been a constant challenge for me to feel good enough, sexy enough, beautiful enough, etc., and that I'm just not what frosts his buns, so to speak. Basically that I've never felt that he really felt about me the way that I thought a husband should feel about a wife. He did not take to this very kindly.

His response is that he just doesn't get that worked up about anything. He is a middle of the road kinda guy and that I shouldn't be offended that he doesn't get overly excited about me, because he doesn't get that way about anyone or anything. For whatever reason, that didn't really make me feel any better.

We had stopped to get some lunch at McDonald's but couldn't eat. It was just a terrible drive. I've only seen my husband cry twice before yesterday, and I never want to see it happen again. I didn't mean to say anything that would hurt him so badly, but I had to be honest with him. Eventually we both came around and got it together, but it was a rocky few hours.

So I'm not sure what's different today than yesterday. I'm not sure anything is. Maybe nothing ever will, I don't know. I do know that I've been as honest as I can be about what my issues are and whether or not he does anything with that is up to him. And likewise, I know there are things I need to do as well. What is frustrating for me is going back and forth between feelings of hopelessness and optimism. I want things to be stable and positive, and I feel like that's never going to happen.

You can't change who a person is, and if he just isn't an excitable and passionate person, I'll have to decide if I can deal with that, and learn to live with it. I just wish I knew what it felt like to be loved like that.

Edit: Just had some of the hottest sex we've ever had. What gives???

No Place Like Home

2007-06-25T00:34:00.000-04:00

.....anyone still around??

I'm back! I was on vacation last week, and on strike the weeks prior to that. I've just spent the past week at my parents house and just returned this evening. I was supposed to fly up there on Saturday morning... that was the plan, at least. My brother works for an airline and I am on his passenger list, or so I thought, that allows me to fly standby. He said he had me all worked out, and I was on the list for the 6 am flight. Yes, 6 am. Which meant I got up at 3:30, and was at the airport at 5:00. To make a long story short, I got bumped from the list to make room for a friend of his that he was trying to impress and ended up having to rent a car and drive. Not exactly what I had in mind.

Regardless, I made it in one piece, and I made it back in one piece. Can't complain too much about that, right? Right.

The visit was nice, and it was so nice to be in 78 degree weather for a few days. I don't remember summers being this hot when I was a kid!

The trip was wonderful until today. Brady drove up on Thursday and we drove back together today. Everything was ok until we started talking on the drive home.

Let me flash back a few days.

We decided we should "do" something before I left town on Friday night. Problem was, I wasn't feeling it. AT ALL. He will claim he was, but I will vehemently disagree. So we did nothing and I went on my way. We did, however, agree not to "cheat" while we were apart, and do something when we got back together again.

So Thursday night we decided to give it a try. I wasn't feeling particuarly amorous (no build up) but I was gonna do it anyway. I off-handedly asked him if he kept his promise not to "cheat". He said no, that he had watched some porn and had taken care of business on his own on Monday night, and wasn't I impressed that he still wanted to do something with me on Thursday night?

The answer to that question is AN EMPHATIC NO. I was not impressed, happy, or ok with that at all. I was completely disappointed and angry. And did he use any of the many, MANY pictures I sent him in the past? Nope. Used porn. I wasn't even an afterthought... I mentioned the pictures and he had a "Oh yeah!" moment, like that had never occured to him. Needless to say, I was not into it for Thursday night.

Friday was sort of do or die for me, so I obliged, and we did something in the extra bedroom at my parents house. From a 1-10, I'd give it a 3, and that is being generous. And I'm not blaming him.

So on the way home today, we talked. It was the most intense, emotional conversation we've had in a long, LONG time. I cried. HE cried. (Not a safe combination while driving on the interstate.) And suddenly I've lost my zest for this post... I'll do a continuation tomorrow.

Hot In Herre

2007-06-03T23:34:00.000-04:00

Well, it was finally a weekend that more or less lived up to its expectations, and that's saying a lot these days.

Our wonderful luck as new homeowners continues as we enter this extreme heat at the end of May and early June with our air conditioning quitting on us. Lovely. I came home from work on Thursday and it was hot in the house, so I went to turn on the A/C... and found that the thermostat said it was 85 in the house, and the A/C was already running. Not good. I waited for Brady to get home and (I have no idea what any of it means) the fan/motor on the A/C unit quit working and the unit was very hot. So we called the home warranty people on Friday and they said they could get someone out on Wednesday morning to look at it. Which meant we were in for a hot weekend. Yay!

Friday night, we spent mostly watching TV and hanging out together, not doing a whole heckuva lot. We were supposed to "do" something, but (per usual) it's been awhile and neither of us is really feeling like being the initiator. Finally around 1, we headed to bed, and Brady stuck his neck out and got the ball rolling. After giving him some tips on how to use his fingers on my clit (which initially was met with "What's wrong with the way I've been doing it? Am I doing it wrong? Don't you like how I do it?" was eventually followed with him just doing what I asked and getting me off much more easily than his method.) It was no frills sex but it was intimate and close and it was the absolute closest we've ever come to climaxing at the same time, and I (so girl-like) cried when we finished. It was that nice.

Saturday we did our budget and hung around the house until the early afternoon, and then went to the movies to see Knocked Up, which we both really enjoyed. It was a funny movie and a good way to spend a few hours in the A/C. Afterwards we walked around Lowe's for a bit, looking at screen doors and other non-necessities we'd like to have just as soon as we hit the lottery, and eventually headed home. I made us some frozen drinks, and Brady passed out at 9:45. I got pissed and eventually passed out on my own while watching Oceans 11. Not quite the conclusion I was looking for, but we had a fun day anyway.

Today we got up and went to the grocery store, came home, and did our best to waste as much time as possible without getting our homework done. In the early afternoon, sometime around 2 I suppose, we headed upstairs just to change clothes (or so I thought) but had one of those deliciously wonderful spontaneous episodes where just a few touches in the right spot got me going and before we knew it, I'm back on top again and I'm gettin' kinda loud for a Sunday afternoon with the bedroom windows open. We had just talked a few days ago about how it's been a long time since we've had sex during the daytime, and I don't care if it was planned on his behalf or not, it was NICE.

Back to not working, and a couple of hours later, I found him back upstairs getting ready to come back downstairs. I laid with him in bed, and had that "I can't get enough of you" feeling and even though it took a little more convincing than I would've liked, we were back at it again.

This time we just used our hands on each other, manually stimulating and rubbing and pressing and pumping. I got him as close as close can get, and when he was just about to climax, I had him in my mouth for the last 15-20 seconds (because I knew he'd like it, and honestly, for ease in clean-up. I know, totally hot.) He started GIGGLING when he finished, and I thought maybe I had done something wrong that he thought was funny, but he said no, it just felt that good.

Sweet.

I, however, told him I was not finished, and demanded he do some more. So he continued for a few more minutes until I came, and that was the end of it. We had sex 4x's in May, and we're already at 3x's in June, so things are looking up!!

Brady complained all weekend about not getting any rain, and it looked like we were going to get all the way through without any. We decided to start dinner around 7pm, and he was outside grilling away... and it started POURING. Just POURING. He got the umbrella and finished the best he could, and got completely soaked in the process. And as soon as he was finished cooking, the rain stopped. That just figures, huh?

So now it's 11:30 on Sunday night and I just finished my homework, and Brady hasn't even started his. But tonight, that doesn't bug me as much as it usually does. :D

For My Husband

2007-05-28T13:15:00.000-04:00

Sailors sail, cowboys ride,
lovers love when they get the chance
Take it slow, turn down the light,
soft and low, let the shadows dance

Baby, don't hold back

Kiss me in the Dark,
roll me through the night
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Hit me with your heart,
til the morning light
Let your skin talk to my soul
Kiss me in the dark

Strip away, everything,
tonight there's nothing getting in our way
The ties that bind,
the wheres and whys
Take 'em off and leave 'em all outside
Lock it all outside

Kiss me in the Dark,
roll me through the night
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Hit me with your heart,
till the morning light
Let your skin talk to my soul
Kiss me in the dark

Without a single word, baby,
we can say so much
Reveal everything with just one touch

Kiss me in the Dark,
roll me through the night
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Hit me with your heart,
till the morning light
Let your skin talk to my soul
Kiss me in the dark
Kiss me in the dark

Here it's another Friday night, and I ain't got nobody...

2007-05-18T23:46:00.000-04:00

I feel like I want to write something, but I don't know what I want to say. I know what I want to talk about, but feel very... well, like someone who wants to sing along to a particular song that's playing, but there are several songs playing at once and you can't concentrate on the one you want long enough to get the words right.

And I just spotted one of those extremely creepy insects that are like 2" long and have a zillion legs next to the sliding glass door. Ew.

Where was I... oh yes, singing along.

Ok, so it's Friday night. It's Friday night at 11:30. I'm not sure what most couples do on Friday nights at 11:30, but I will tell you what this couple is doing. I have been at the laptop for the past 2 and a half hours, working on homework. My intent was to get my homework finished at the beginning of the weekend, so I would have the rest of the weekend to have fun and get some work done. So I have been diligent.

What is my husband doing?

He's sleeping. On the couch. Snoring like a raped ape. Where he has been for the past 2.5 hours. Now, I'm all for a good nap. I've been known to be proficient in the art. However, this is not his first nap of the week. Or his second. Third? Guess again. Yes, this is his 4th nap in 5 days. And by nap, I mean sleeping 3+ hours in the evening.

(Let me state for the record that I have asked him if he is feeling ok, and he assures me he feels fine, just tired. I say that napping like this is not normal, and that maybe he should see a doctor. He poo-poo's me and rolls over to finish napping. I ask him if maybe he is depressed and he looks at me like I just asked him if his mama is a drunk. I guess napping is better than listening to me, and really, I can't blame him there.)

So let's set the scene in more detail: I leave for work last Friday morning, and after work I will be heading to Michigan. My husband and I engage in The Sex on Thursday night, as that is what you're supposed to do, right? Ok. I go away, and I am gone Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and I return Monday evening.

I'm not home long on Monday when he passes out on the couch. For 3 hours. I go to bed alone, after he wakes up and remembers he has homework to do.

Tuesday, we express our (fake) desire to rejoin each other in the biblical way, and an attempt is made. Never have I taken part in such a boring, ineffective attempt at sex. I am not blaming him. We were not into it. Not for the same reasons, but we weren't into it. After me giving him oral for at least 20 minutes (intense oral, not a few licks here and there) and getting absolutely nowhere with it, I gave up, and eventually he fell asleep, again for hours. I should've known we were doomed when we decided to put on the "New Age" cable music channel.

Wednesday, a repeat of Monday. And then I had a meltdown. I stormed off to bed without saying goodnight and he didn't follow me. I cried. And cried. And cried, and cried, and cried. But being mad at him made me feel worse than the pride that was keeping me from going back downstairs, so I went back downstairs. And I cried. And he held me. And we talked. And he apologized. And he blamed himself. And he promised changes. And he was genuine. And we made up.

And I Bought It.

Thursday, we watched TV on the couch together, with me requiring a bit of warm-up to him to get closer. He never really made any moves towards wanting to have sex with me, and I'm sure the conversation was mostly mood-killing as I was talking about babies and puppies. We went to bed early. This was the no-nap night.

So now it's Friday, and look where we are!! He's napping on the couch, and I'm feeling foolish for believing him again.

When does it get better? When does it change? What do I have to look forward to? His winter term ended 2 weeks ago and I'm still hanging around, waiting for him to throw me a scrap of anything that would say he thinks I'm worth his time. Right now I'm ranking somewhere between the computer game "Second Life" and incessant snacking. I thought I was worth more than this. I think I deserve more... why doesn't he?

I can't keep doing this. I can't. I'm not built for this. I'm not suited to beg for affection and attention from my husband. When things are good, they're good. But the span of time between those good things are getting so long that I can't see the next one coming anymore. His promises to me are lies. I don't believe anything he tells me. Either he's telling me what he thinks I want to hear, or he just wants me to shut the fuck up.

The truth is, he really has no idea what I want to hear because he doesn't want to get to know me. And if his intention was to get me to shut up, mission accomplished. I quit.

Some Sunday Truth

2007-05-06T18:56:00.000-04:00

Round and round and round we go
where we stop, no one knows
Where all this is headed I just can't see
Round and round and round we spin
Wind up on our ass again
Love beats the hell out of me

~Big Chris Gates

Woman On Top

2007-05-02T23:25:00.000-04:00

Ok, so some have suggested I revisit a few moments in mine and my husbands’ sexual past, to a time when Taja was in control. A few episodes where I had the upper hand and I was running the show. So, I went back and read those posts. I am confused.

On one hand, I read them and I think “Yeah, but I don’t like that.” I don’t want to be in control. I feel like I am in control of everything in our relationship. I feel like Brady won’t take a piss without asking me sometimes, and I’m not sure how we got that way. I think part of the issue is, while I would never deliberately try to hurt my husband, I’m not afraid of hurting his feelings if there is a behavior or attitude or action that is damaging. He, on the other hand, would most likely allow me to kick him in the teeth and then just give me the silent treatment for a day or two and never discuss the issue. I’m not sure if it comes down to a confrontational personality versus an avoiding personality, but that’s how it usually works out.

Is he afraid of me? Is he intimidated by me? Does he just really hate to argue? What’s the reasoning? Is he afraid of upsetting me? I am an emotional person, but I am not volatile. When we disagree, I am not loud. I don’t yell. I don’t try to hurt him. But he does not stand up to me when I’m wrong, and believe me, I’m wrong a lot. Why is this? Perhaps it’s a fundamental difference; he would rather keep the peace than prove a point, and that’s admirable. But when you let someone be right all the time, they start to expect it, and they start developing the (false) idea that they’re pretty damned smart and you should listen up because you could learn something from someone who is right so damned much.

So anyway. I am married to a man who loves me, but who does not seem to exercise much leadership. If I ask him to do something with enough fire in my eyes, he’ll do it. Oh sure, there’s plenty that I ask of him that goes ignored (hence the blog), but by and large, he doesn’t disgaree. When did disagreeing with someone become such an issue?

Back to the sex. I feel that I’m primarily “in charge” of most of our decisions. I did not ask for this directly, but I probably gave him that impression subconsciously. That he is not more aggressive with me sexually, results in me needing to lead the show. Which makes me feel like I’m the man. I’m the one in charge of everything. I’m the one doing the seducing. I’m the one doing the footwork. He follows along because it would be impolite to argue.

So when I look back on those episodes where I was in charge, I’m thinking “See!! I have to do everything!! That’s bullshit. Why doesn’t he do anything?” I’m thinking that when I’m in charge, he’s off the hook. He doesn’t have to be present. He just shows up and follows the directions. And I’m in charge, again.

But then I read what I’m saying, and I sound like I like it. Like I’m enjoying it. Like I really get something out of it. Am I fighting against it because I think I shouldn’t want to do this? Do I feel like going against a traditional role will make me feel like less of a woman? Do I feel like it makes me see him as less of a man? Don’t get me wrong, I want to be taken care of. I want to feel like a woman, and I want to see my husband as a strong, masculine man. But do I let someone else define what that means, or do I make the decision on what works for me? Brady has specifically stated he likes it when I’m in charge. I’d like to be the one being “controlled” so to speak, but I don’t think that attitude fits with Brady. I’m not saying I want to have sex with other people, but if I were to be in a more man-led sexual relationship, it would have to be with someone very different than Brady.

Who knows. Maybe we just have a lot to learn. Maybe a few years of me being “in charge” most of the time will help us learn about each other. Maybe it will increase his confidence in himself and we’ll be able to share the load. Regardless of what we do, I have to be more vocal in telling him what I like and what I don’t like. I feel like I have been trying, but that he hasn’t been listening. I can’t let that deter me. All I can do is tell him, show him, ask him. He has to participate, but if I don’t try, I can’t complain.

I'd Rather Be In Charleston

2007-04-30T23:31:00.000-04:00

Guess what this week is????

GUESS!!!

Nope, guess again.

No, GUESS.

Seriously, can you not follow directions?

Really?

GUESS ALREADY.

I'll wait.

DO IT BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASS.

Ok, what kind of a guess is that?

I hope you're cute 'cause you certainly ain't smart.

Is that the best guess you have?

Good grief.

Nevermind.

I'll just tell you.

This week is Brady's last week of this school term. FINALS are this week, and then THE SEMESTER FROM HELL IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And never again shall he take 5 classes at once again. Lesson learned there, I should hope. It truly has been a strain on us these past 4 months, and I'm so grateful to be almost done with it. My patience (what's left of it) is wearing thin indeed.

We had a pretty decent weekend, although all day I've been trying to figure out what we did on Friday and I don't remember going anywhere but I'm not sure what all we did. Saturday I spent cleaning and doing laundry, while Brady did homework. We got cleaned up mid-day and went out to dinner (CiCi's Pizza Buffet... I know I know, how jealous am I making you now??) and then a little shopping to find Brady some shorts, and a tablecloth for our dining room table. (The blue and white gingham with daisies is not staying, sadly enough.) I even scored a new pair of sandals.We headed home and flopped together on the couch to watch some TV... I think Bourne Identity was on.

We had promised each other we'd have sex Saturday night, but it didn't look much like it was going to happen. Eventually I excused myself and went upstairs to change clothes, and came back down in something a little more (less) comfortable. I am oftentimes self conscious when wearing lingerie, but I really felt pretty beautiful on Saturday night. I wore a cream colored satin chemise with a flattering cut, and I really did look nice. So when I got back downstairs I was a little disappointed that Brady didn't say anything. But we kept snuggling together, and I kept working on the package through his shorts. Eventually he got the message and we got the ball rolling.

Here is my complaint. (Everyone knew that was coming, right?)

We're on the couch.. he's got his t-shirt on still but nothing else. I'm in my filmy little number. We've made out a bit (mostly me touching him) and things are heating up. I position him on the center of the couch, and straddle him. We continue making out. But after just a few moments, he's trying to work his way in.

Wait a second. Where's my stuff? Where's the touching for me? I asked him and he said he "had to be inside" me right away, so ok. I'm on top and the positioning is good and we're enjoying it, but I feel like he might be getting close so I stop and climb off. I lay back on the couch and he gets the hint and gives me oral for awhile, but it's just not going to work, so we give up on that after awhile and he takes me to the ottoman, the new ottoman, to use it for it's intended purpose: A work-bench for doggy-style sex. It worked really well for that purpose, I have to say. Unfortunately he was not reading me very well, in that I was trying to get the long strokes, and he kept making them shorter and faster. Eventually I ended up getting further and further away and it just wasn't working. We finished that and then I finished him with my mouth. I tell you what, that chair is pretty awesome.

After I finished him off, he did his usual "I'm not going to pass out, I swear" routine and then asked me how I was. I said "Pretty good." and he said "Pretty good?" and blah blah, basically the idea is he asked me if I needed anything "more" and I said "Maybe" and eventually that led to absolutely nothing and I'm pretty sure that's my fault somehow, but I'm still frustrated. No orgasms is a frustrating thing.

It's taking awhile, but we've now got the living room, stairs, guest room, and master bedroom check-marked for the new house. Next stop: Kitchen!

The rest of the weekend was less fun, but still enjoyable. He did homework all day Sunday, and I went shopping and ran some other errands. I got us a new tablecloth, which after being ironed, I must say looks fabulous. I also bought a bedskirt which looks less fabulous (even after being ironed) but still nice. We also finally got to turn our keys in for our apartment, FINALLY FINALLY, and are done with that. I also got my first bottle of pre-natal vitamins. Scary thought right there, eh?

Anyhoo, I guess that's about it. I'm totally supposed to be doing homework and I totally don't feel like it. It's so hot out today. What's the deal? Can we have just some spring weather? Does it have to snow or be 85? It's April. I got home from work (late) and was so hot and exhausted. I took off my work clothes with the intent of putting on some shorts and doing homework, but ended up passing out naked on the couch with Dr. Phil on the TiVo. Man, I can't believe how awesome I am. Strike that... I can't believe what an awesome procrastinator I am!

I'm going to shut up now.

Sometimes

2007-04-27T01:06:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, I look at him and my heart swells with love.
Sometimes, I look at him and I feel a tingling from my head to my toes.
Sometimes, I look at him and I wonder if I could ever love him more than I do at that very moment.
Sometimes, I look at him and I say a tiny prayer thanking God for bringing us together.
Sometimes, I look at him and I see our future, and I see us at 80.
Sometimes, I look at him and I feel stupid for every negative thing I've ever thought about him.

Sometimes...
Sometimes I look at him and I feel enraged.
Sometimes I look at him and I think "Why is he married to me?"
Sometimes I look at him and I think "This is never going to get any better."
Sometimes I look at him and I think "I wonder if he looks at me as much as I look at him?"
Sometimes I look at him and I think "I can't believe that turd ate the rest of the ice cream."
Sometimes I look at him and want to scream in his face. (But I don't. Usually.)

Sometimes I have to take a step back and remember everything isn't his fault. I'm here too.
Sometimes I have to remind myself.

Repeatedly.

It Was Bound To Happen...

2007-04-24T23:37:00.000-04:00

I've realized I haven't done a "100 things" post, and considering how much I a) like making lists and b) like talking about myself, I think that's pure craziness. So I'm making one, because I'm sitting in the dark, with the windows up, and it's raining, and I'm watching the TV Guide channel (watching is a bit of an overstatement) and I feel rather like a slug this evening. So, without any further ado...

I graduated from high school in 1996 with a 2.6 GPA.
I didn't miss one day of school from kindergarten to graduation, and for a 2.6?? Not worth it.
I like the way bread crusts smell.
I always end up on my right foot; I go up the stairs and end on my right foot, and I always step over cracks and seams in cement with my right foot first. I will hop/jump/double step if necessary.
I have terrible eyesight; I started wearing glasses in 5th grade and it just got worse from there.
I miss my brother a lot.
I hate that I think about him more now that he's dead than I did when he was alive.
This is a helluva lot harder than I thought it was going to be.
I knocked out 2 teeth when I was 7 years old; I was sledding and went down a hill head-first and ran into another sled... with my mouth.
I have survived 28 and a half years without ever breaking a bone.
I like singing along with songs that use very bad words. (Example: "It's All Good" by DMX.)
I sing these alone in the car.
My husband hates that I sing these songs.
I know just about every word to every song there ever was.
Most everyone hates that I know this.
I know I am a terrible singer but harbor some deep-seeded belief that I might actually be good.
I sang "Fist City" at Karaoke in Knoxville, TN and did a great job.
Seriously.
I have never had a pet, other than goldfish and a hamster that hated me.
I am terribly excited at the prospect of getting pregnant, despite the issues that will go with it.
I am incredibly anxious (in a bad way) about my body after a baby.
I sometimes wonder if I like it that I feel "neglected" by my husband because it gives me something to complain about.
When he gives me the love and attention I tell him I want and need it makes me uncomfortable.
I feel more self conscious now than I did 10 years ago.
My parents have a strange, asexual relationship, but it has worked for them for 30 years.
I shocked my co-workers today by telling them what a cock ring is.
I was offended that they were shocked.
I find myself constantly curious about other peoples' sex lives.
I used to fake injuries in tennis class to get out of running suicides.
When I was 10 years old I was 4'8" and had a size 8 shoe.
I looked like I just came back from skiing.
I grew 2" after I graduated from high school.
This resulted in stretch marks on my hips and thighs that I have been self conscious of ever since.
I am terrified of what kind of stretch marks I will get when I'm pregnant.
I laugh when I'm scared.
I make jokes when I'm frustrated, and usually at my expense.
I hate being the center of attention when I'm not in control of the situation.
I wish my husband were more vocal and assertive with me.
I don't like winning every argument, despite my "have to be right" attitude.
I realize I don't actually win every argument.
Today I got in trouble at work for not taking home my empty food containers; I have a habit of eating my food, and putting the container back in the fridge. (Sometimes I may not finish it, or have time to rinse the bowl out, and I figure I will put the bowl back in the fridge so it doesn't stink, and then take it home and wash it out.) Today I found 7 containers sitting on the break room table and they were all mine. One of them was a bowl of spaghetti from sometime in 2006. It was black and white. I'm pretty sure if I had any infections, I could've cured them by just looking at that bowl. They're all soaking in the sink right now. I hate dishes.
I have over 400 CD's and there are some I've never listened to.
I was a little proud last night when I took the trash to the curb for the first time in my new house. Pretty sure that'll wear off.
I am desperate for my husband to desire me as much a I desire him.
I am desperately depressed at the realization that I can't make him feel something he doesn't.
I often wonder if he just doesn't feel that way about me, or if he doesn't know how to show it.
We had 'sex' (some form of it) 72 times the first year of our marriage, and thought that was pretty bad...
... but not nearly as bad as the 51 times we had sex in year 2.
Our record is 99 in year 3. I'm not all that happy or satisfied with that, and I know it's just a number.
I have given oral, in my estimation (backed by somewhat reliable documentation) at odds of about 10:1.
My husband thinks I should just ask for it if I want it.
That is again making me be in charge, and I don't want to be in charge all the time.
My grandma hasn't acknowledged my birthday since I was 8, and it pisses me off when my dad calls me up to remind me that it's her birthday and I should send her a card. If it weren't for my mom, he wouldn't remember his own mother OR my birthday.
I bought my grandma a Mother's Day card for the first time today. I couldn't find one that wasn't mushy so I got one that was silly. She's not very warm but she sure is funny.
I almost never have the courage to stand up for myself, but I'm working on it.
I'm pretty sure the TiVo is the greatest thing to happen to the television since Golden Girls.
I'm worried that my marriage will be incredibly strained once we have children.
I'm worried about my husband being ridiculously over protective of our children.
I love college football.
Right now my husband is sleeping on the loveseat and he's wearing Spongebob Squarepants pajama bottoms.
I really felt like I was getting away with something when they showed the "Duck boobs" in the movie "Howard the Duck".
Now that my parents are in their 60's, I wish I lived closer.
My neighborhood has a lot of hot dads.
Does that make them FILFs? DILFs?
My left eye has been burning like a fire crotch the entire time I've been doing this and I have been squinting like a pirate.
Christianity intimidates me.
The book of Revelations terrified me.
I don't find any comfort in visiting someone's grave.
I cry like a baby everytime I watch Terms of Endearment when Debra Winger says goodbye to her kids, and also when Shirley MacClaine slaps her oldest grandson and he finally shows emotion. Ugh.
I am not a delicate crier. I sob and snort and heave and wail.
I think Kenny Chesney is incredibly... overrated.
Insert the name Gary Allan, and then strike it and reverse it.
I am not pretentious about my musical tastes; I'll admit to liking Fergalicious or Sweet Escape or even the occassional Milli Vanilli song.
I am bored with my sex life.
But I still want more sex, even if it's boring.
Right now I'm wondering what my husband would be like if he were married to someone else.
Without a doubt I love my husband, but I wish I had waited a little longer to get married; I was 23.
This September, we will have been together for 9 years.
I love helping people and making people happy.
I hope my marriage improves.
I hope my husband works with me on making it better.
I want to know what it feels like to come first, and to feel worth it.
I love the movie Mr. Mom. It's my guilty pleasure and I quote it a lot. It takes skill to quote Mr. Mom and not sound like a douchebag.
I wish I was the kind of woman my husband wanted to express and experiment his sexuality with.
I wish I was the kind of woman he wanted to spend all day making love to.
I used to be more optimistic when I was younger.
I think this is number 87.
23 is my lucky number, and no it's not a Michael Jordan thing.
I'm good at my job.
I hope I get a puppy soon.
Debra Winger and Theresa Russell giving each other mouth to mouth in their bathing suits is even less hot than it sounds.
I love country music, and I especially love country music that talks about losing your truck and your wife and your dog.
I don't have much respect for people who say they "love all kinds of music" and then procede to list the exceptions, with country usually being one of them.
It's not all good, but it's not all bad, either.
I don't love everything, but I have a very diverse taste; ask my husband. It drives him crazy.
Music is integral to my happiness, and it greatly affects my mood.
If you've never tried pandora.com, you should. It's fantastic.
I don't like talking about myself as much as I thought I did, which is rather surprising.
I found out today that I registered for an on-campus class instead of the online class and have missed the first 4 meetings. I am a dumb ass.
I have fat fingers.

What a way to wind it up, eh??

Brady is still asleep, my eye is still burning, it quit raining, and I'm guessing I should go to bed.

Sonuvabitch, my bullets disappeared. Man. Tuesdays blow.

What's New Pussycat

2007-04-23T09:37:00.000-04:00

Well, I thought maybe I was due for a "real" post.

Brady has just a couple of weeks left to this Term From Hell, and then he will have about a week off before he starts his summer term. I think he's only taking one class during the summer, so hopefully things will settle down a bit. My optimism is guarded if only because last summer he took no classes and did absolutely nothing with his time. I am frequently asked to be patient and hold on 'til things are done, only to find things done and nothing changing. So this term will be done, and we'll see how it goes. My expectations are low.

School is going pretty well so far... I have a "directed practice" where I work at a hospital 4 hours a week to learn about different aspects of records management and things like that. I haven't started yet, I start that this Thursday. Should be fun, if only to get me out of my real job for a few hours each week. Otherwise I only have one other course this term, which I'm grateful for.

Brady & I had a really good weekend. Friday night we scored some free tickets to the MLB game. On a scale from 1-10 the weather on Friday evening was a 3840932849. Free tickets, great weather, the hometeam won, and we had great seats, about 4 rows behind the hometeam dugout between home plate and first base. I am not a baseball fan by any stretch of the imagination, but we had a great time. Saturday we cleaned our apartment (which we still have BUT ONLY 'TIL THE 30TH!) and then went out to eat before catching a play at Brady's school. This one wasn't nearly as interesting/fun as the last one. I did dress up again, though, although not quite to the extreme that I did last time. This time I wore some fairly tight jeans, a low-cut (but classy) black and white blouse (with a strategically placed necklace) and the red high heels that I had originally bought strictly as a "haha" at home, but thought it might dress the oufit up. I gotta say, I looked pretty hot. The shoes were worth the pain. (I need to wear heels more often, I need the practice!)

So the play was alright, nothing special. We left and stopped at the store on the way home to get a few items, and then headed home. We had a couple of drinks and then headed to the bedroom. If you'll remember the last time we went out to a play, it resulted in some pretty awesome sex. It was obvious that this not to be the case on Saturday. We had a couple of drinks, headed upstairs, and within about 6 minutes, it was all over. I guess I was a little too effective at turning him on.

So, that was rather lackluster, but hey. It happened. Sunday we had a ton of things to do and got almost none of them done, although Brady did wash his vehicle (our first driveway carwash!) and we went to the grocery store.

So obviously, we are adrenaline junkies living on the edge. We did have fun, though. We really did. It was so nice to get out of the house and do something different. The ballgame, the play, it was all very nice.

Blah. I wish I could get more "We had a great weekend!! It was awesome!!" but I can't. I have been a turd for the past few weeks and I'm not sure there's anything I can do about it. So, that's what's new 'round these parts.

2007-04-19T17:19:00.000-04:00

"It's been a long time coming
as you shed a lonesome tear
And now you're in a wonderama
I wonder what you're doing here

The flame no longer flickers...
you're feeling just like a fool.
You keep staring into your liquor
Wonderin' what to do

I don't hardly know you
But I'd be willing to show you
I know a way to make you smile,
Let me touch you for awhile...

I'm gonna ruin my black mascara.
You're drinkin' whiskey when it should be wine
You keep looking into that mirror
But to me you're looking really fine...

I don't hardly know you
But I'd be willin' to show you
I know a way to make you laugh
at that cowgirl as she's walkin' out your door
I know a way to make you smile

Just let me whisper things...
you've never heard before
Just let me touch you, baby...
Just let me touch you for awhile.

It's been a long time...

let me touch you for awhile.

I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touch
I need your understanding, I need your love so much
You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby, you're never there

On the phone long, long distance
Always through such strong resistance
First you say you're too busy
I wonder if you even miss me?

Never there
You're never there
You're never, ever, ever, ever there

A golden bird that flies away, a candles fickle flame
To think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game
A golden bird that flies away, a candles fickle flame
To think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game

You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby...

Take the time to get to know me
If you want me why cant you just show me?
We're always on this roller coaster
If you want me why can't you get closer?

Never there
You're never there
You're never ever ever ever there

If All Else Fails...

2007-04-16T18:55:00.000-04:00

post pictures.

Well, nothing new going on around here. Home ownership is treating us... well, for the most part ok. We still haven't resolved the issue of the leaking ceiling, although it's not currently causing us any grief. We had to run out and get a mower a couple of weeks ago when the temps spiked and our grass went haywire, and Brady has been out a few times to mow the grass.

I finished my term and have started a new one, and Brady will finish his spring term in a couple of weeks. He'll have about a week off and then he'll start his summer term as well. Things in that arena have been as bad as they've ever been and I find myself not even wanting to talk about it. More empty, broken promises and disappointment.

So onto better things!! We're finally getting really settled into the house, so I thought I'd take some pictures of how things are looking now that we've been here for a couple of months.

This is in the office, in the front of the house. It's been a total disaster area (it's where Brady spends most of his time) and I spent about an hour and took care of business in there. It's not perfect, but it's so... SO much better.

Here are some shots of the living room, and of our new lamps.

And then here's the spare room, where All Miscellaneous Items Go to Die...

Lastly here are a couple of shots of the kitchen and our new barstools

So we're getting there. It feels more and more like home everyday.

Otherwise, I s'pose I should go make dinner... Dancing With the Stars will be on shortly, WOULDN'T WANT TO MISS THAT!!

So Much For That

2007-04-05T09:22:00.000-04:00

So I guess it's my favorite song, but it is not meant to be shared? Oh well! I'll work on something else to post.

2007-04-04T23:20:00.000-04:00

"A Warm Place"

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Did I ever mention this is my favorite song? It is. "A Warm Place" by Nine Inch Nails. I'm not much of a Trent Reznor fan, but I have a special fondness for this song. Couldn't tell you why, I just do. This is my zen song. I can turn this song on and drive from coast to coast. I have driven Brady crazy (literally) with this song in the car, as I can put it on and drive 'til we get there. It's rather strange, actually. But I do love this song.

You ever have a song that you like to listen to when the sky is cloudy? This is that song for me. Not that it's a sad song, or that it makes me feel sad... it just feels cloudy. I dunno. I just really love this song.

This Old Nest

2007-03-29T19:46:00.000-04:00

So here's a strange little story.

I was walking through my kitchen the other day, and happened to glance outside on the deck. I noticed there was something poking out from under the lid of the deck.

Not having time to properly investigate, I dismissed it and went about my business.

Fastforward to yesterday, and Brady & I are discussing our menu for the evening. Would we grill the chicken? I glanced outside again and said "Hey, I noticed something strange about the grill. What's all that stuff poking out?"

Ohhhhhh... never ask a question you don't really want answered. Brady took a broom out with him (he was certainly less than a stud with his heroism) and pried the lid open, and here is what we found...

Yes, it was The Fairfield Inn for Fowl. The HILTON of nests. There are two small holes on either side of our lid, and they had filled the ENTIRE grill with brush and materiels to make their nest. Keep in mind we've only been here for about 5 weeks, and during this time the birds made the nest, laid eggs, and the birds left. There were but a few feathers remaining.

And somehow Brady, who is paranoid about everything, thinks we can just wash the grill off and use it again. I, however, am checking the circulars to see who has a good deal on grills. I know the birds flew, but is there bird flu? I'm a little grossed out.

EDIT: We now realize the nest had yet to be used, as there are no vacant shells remaining, and the fact that there was a homeless bird looking very confused and rather pissed off that his house had been disassembled stomping around on the deck last evening. I feel bad, but whattya gonna do?

Bathdrops Are Fallin' On My Head

2007-03-26T01:29:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven’t been better about posting.

(Depends on who you talk to if I should apologize for that, I s’pose!)

Life has, well, not been living up to my dreams, and suddenly I’m finding out the facts of life are all... well you get the point.

Brady & I are in the middle of the worst dry spell on record. I think we’re at around 3x’s in the past 4 weeks and the last time was a miracle that anything happened at all. We are both anti-sexual and feeling rather ambiguous about the whole act. I have sailed right past the point of feeling sad or disappointed about how things are and straight into “Can we buy a new floor lamp?” mode. Is that bad?

Our bathtub in the master bathroom had a problem with it that resulted in the ceiling in the living room leaking a few weeks ago. The overflow gasket wasn’t properly sealed, so we had it fixed. I had been in the tub when Brady came running into the bathroom and exclaimed “What’s going on???” Mmmm.... bathing? He then told me the ceiling was leaking... nice. I got out and we investigated and there were several wet spots on the ceiling. So when the plumber came out to fix it, he suggested the overflow thing. He pulled off the old one and it was obvious it wasn’t properly sealed. So he fixed that and we thought things were probably fixed.

Fastforward to last Thursday. I promised Brady I wouldn’t use the tub again until we were both at home together so we could watch it. But we were also in the middle of a tremendous dry spell that was planned to come to an end that evening, and I was a hairy beast. I promised I would be waiting for him, naked, in the bed when he got home. But I needed to shave. (Which, as history has dictacted, is the kiss of death for sex in our household.)

So I’m home alone and I decide I’m going to take a bath. I first ran some water without the plug in, and ran downstairs to the living room and waited. No leak. So I put the stopper in and let it fill. I ran downstairs. No leak. I filled it past the overflow and ran downstairs. No leak. I let some of the water out. No leak. All good!

So I took my bath. It was short compared to most, about 15 minutes at the absolute most. I finished and drained the tub. I then decided to go downstairs to check things out and make sure we were still dry. So I ran, naked, down the stairs. I was only halfway down when I heard what sounded like a garden hose.

I half expected to see Moses.

The ceiling was leaking, in new spots, and BADLY. One spot was leaking so profusely the drywall had a hole in it. Now keep in mind the living room at this point has ever decorative item we own in it, setting all over the place until we figure out where we want to put it. I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry, so I think I did both. The couch was soaked, and I mean SOAKED. Photo albums were wet. Carpet drenched. Champagne glasses filled with yellowish water.

I eventually ran back upstairs and got some dirty towels to put down, and also some bowls to catch the rest of the water that was still falling. I had to text Brady and give him a warning of what was happening. I figured he’d get mad that I didn’t wait for him, but he didn’t. Regardless, neither of us was much in the mood that night. (The plumber will be back out in a few days to check it out again. Meanwhile, I am done with baths.)

And just moments ago, Brady knocked over a precariously perched ¼ eaten bowl of some sort of red gelatin snack, onto the cream carpet in the study. We currently have it coated in salt trying to soak it up. Anyone got any tips on getting red stains out of carpet?

So that’s what’s going on here. No sex, leaking ceilings, red stains on the carpet, and no sex. The only positive thing is that we rearranged the furniture in the living room and I cannot express how much better it is. Now we are in the market for a “chair and a half” with an ottoman. I found a nice one that has a sleeper in it, which would be ideal for Brady’s sister when she comes to visit. We’ll see. I wish I had about $10k to spend on stuff right now. I’m sure I’m the only one, huh?

This morning Brady & I went for a walk around the neighborhood, doing 4 laps around our block for a 2 mile walk. It was nice outside this weekend and it was nice to get outside together and get some exercise. Otherwise, not much good I can say about what’s going on around here.

Wish I had a positive statement to wrap this up with, but.... I don’t.

(I will say that I find the preview for “Meet the Robinsons” hysterical. The part with the T-Rex that is trying to “seize the boy” and can’t, stating “I have a big head, and little arms” as the reason why, makes me crazy with laughter everytime I see it. So that’s something.)

(Oh, and the commercial for KY Intrigue makes me mad and incredibly sad everytime I see it. Was that what they were going for? I’m guessing not.)

Question

2007-03-23T08:03:00.000-04:00

At the risk of sounding 15, can I just say...

LIFE SUCKS!??!

Is it too late for me to be that lonely crazy cat lady everyone on her street tells stories about?

No News...

2007-03-09T08:57:00.001-05:00

...is no news. Good? Bad? Indifferent? I have no idea. But there is absolutely not one thing new with me these days and therefore I have absolutely nothing to blog about. No fights, no steam (well we did have one more "on the stairs" episodes but that's sort of the Buzz Aldrin of sex stories as we've already covered that territory), and no drama. Just working hard, enjoying our new house, and trying desperately to keep our eyes on the prize, ie. graduation in a year.

Other'n that, nothing. I have the baby bug big time, but that comes and goes. Hoping to get Brady on the baby train with me but I guess he'll turn in his ticket when his time is right.

Wow, I started this post yesterday at work and never finished it... I came in today and it's still here. Guess I should post it already huh??

BOOOOOOOOOOOO

2007-02-27T11:18:00.000-05:00

No drunk sex.

No sober sex.

NO sex of any kind.

And that is bad, bad news.

IF YOU SMELL

2007-02-23T20:00:00.000-05:00

WHAT THE ROCK

IS COOOOOOOKIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not sure what that means...

but I'm pretty sure a bottle of wine + honky tonk music = DRUNK POST!!

(and hopefully drunk sex!!)

(ok not drunk... tipsy)

(drunk.)

(tipsy.)

(buzzed?)

(tipsydrunk.)

AWWW HELL YEAH I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Frontiers

2007-02-18T23:11:00.000-05:00

Well, Valentine's Day was a bust.

The flowers Brady bought for me didn't arrive until Thursday, and by then they were damaged. My poor red, pink, and white tulips were frost-bitten and discolored. If you look at them from a distance, however, they do look quite lovely. Just up close. Seems like a lot of things are like that, eh?

I got nothing for Brady on Valentine's Day. I bought something "for him" (For me) but did not have the inclination to bring it out on Valentine's Day. We sort of made a go at it on Thursday night, but again... just not feeling it.

Moving is wearing us out. Our refrigerator wasn't working, and the people who were supposed to come fix it never showed up. Eventually it was repaired and now we have FOOD! But by and large, man. 2 people who work fulltime and are fulltime students trying to move is just too much for any couple. Add to that the fact that we've had sex once in 24 days (a record for us, I think... at least since we've been married) and Taja is a crabby lady.

By Friday night we resigned ourselves to the fact that we were having sex, no matter what. I put up my best protests, but it happened anyway. I cried, as I usually do after such dry spells end. It wasn't all I hoped and dreamed, but it was at least a start.

Saturday we spent the day lugging boxes in from the garage into the house. Some went to the basement, some to the dining room, some to the closets... everywhere. We worked well together though and accomplished a lot. This is when the day became... fun.

Brady & I had plans for a date on Saturday night. He had tickets to a play he needed to see for his Theater Appreciation class, so we decided to make a date night out of it, and go out to eat as well. It was Date Night on a Budget, as we considered this our "Welcome to the New House" "Congratulations on the Promotion (more on that later)" "Happy Valentine's Day" altogether date. Hey, time is a luxury we can ill afford to waste!

I decided to make the most of a golden opportunity. Taja was not going out in her usual nice-girl clothing. Her turtlenecks and cords and flats. Nope, not tonight. Tonight, Taja was wearing the new sweater and a very, very short skirt. With high-heeled boots. And thigh-highs. That you could see.

Now, I am not the type of woman who casually displays her cleavage around as though it were the most natural thing in the world. (Don't get any ideas, though... it IS all natural!) I also put on some slutty red nail polish that I've never worn out of the house. I only like being an exhibitionist when I can more or less limit my audience. When wearing something like that, it's completely out of my hands. I was way out of my element, but I did it anyway.

So Brady. Brady was totally surprised and definitely, DEFINITELY loved the new Taja. I wore a long coat over the outfit (not only did it snow about 3" on Saturday, I didn't want to disrupt the locals) but was careful not to be too covered up, at least in the car. Brady spent the drive to dinner doing a little spelunking and realized there wasn't anything else up there besides the thigh highs and garter. We walked into dinner with Brady doing some adjusting.

Dinner was delicious, and if there was one downside to our evening, it was that it was TOO good! We ate way too much, and didn't even finish the piece of tiramisu we shared. We left from dinner to go the musical.

I don't want to give away too much about the musical as it was performed at Brady's school, but I will say that we had a fabulous time. It was hysterically funny and much MUCH better than either of us anticipated.

We left the school and headed to the store so I could buy a new contact case, touching and teasing on the way. When we got back out to the car, I asked Brady to unbutton his pants. He was more than happy to do so, and not just 'cause I asked... dinner was starting to take a toll! I was about to try to get down to business but we left the parking lot and his fingers started to wander under my skirt. To his surprise (and mine), I was already totally wet. He started working around and I got wetter and wetter. Eventually I took the boot off of my right foot and put my leg up on the dash for easier access, and by the time we pulled into our subdivision, I had soaked the inside of my coat with a delicious orgasm.

We got in the house and wasted no time in... getting our leftovers put in the fridge. And THEN getting down to business. We started off in the living room, where I undressed Brady, took off my bra and sweater, leaving everything else on, and then lowering myself down to my knees to suck his cock. I did that for a few moments while his knees shook a bit, and then we decided to go upstairs to the bedroom. (We would've stayed in the living room, but it was a bit of a hazard what with the 400 boxes setting around.)

On our way up the stairs, with Brady behind me, I crawled all the way up on my hands and knees. I had just made it to the top step when Brady grabbed me by the hips, pulled me back a bit, and plunged inside of me. This was most unexpected but WAY WAY HOT. We stayed that way for a few moments, in a rather primal doggy style position, until I finally pulled away, turned around, and returned to sucking. I told him "I have a problem..."

"What?"

"I want to go to the bedroom and keep going but I can't seem to stop sucking your cock".

I thought he was going to fall backwards down the stairs.

So I sent him on his way to the bedroom and asked him to give me a moment.

THAT'S when I decided to break out the new lingerie.

Now, it must be said, that I deliberately picked out the sluttiest stuff I could find, within a reasonable price range. I think I did pretty well. I ended up with an awesome little chemise style outfit, bright red see-through mesh. The breast area has red feathers and silver spangles. Yes, feathers and spangles. It also has red feathers along the trim at the bottom. To compliment the outfit, I got some white thigh-highs with red bows on the back, and some red CFM shoes.

I got the bedroom and the light was off, so I turned it on and said "Happy Valentine's Day". To say he loved it would be the biggest understatement ever made. I joined him in bed and by the time it was all over, there were feathers all over the bed, the panties that came with the outfit were on the ceiling fan, and we furnished each other dessert, if ya know what I mean. And I think you do.

So, we were like 3 days late and all, but I gotta say... it was still an awesome Valentine's Day!

Today was back to reality with a dryer that's not heating and so much homework I thought about faking my own death. But at least we'll always have Saturday night.

sigh

(the good kind)

If The Movin' Don't Kill Ya...

2007-02-14T09:39:00.000-05:00

I'm still alive! Brady is still alive. Believe it or not, the stress of moving, working fulltime, going to school fulltime, and dealing with in-laws every weekend hasn't caused us to kill ourselves or each other.

But I think we've wanted to.

With everything combined, it's been rather ... well, stressful is the only word I can come up with. We are putting our noses to the grindstone and doing the best we can, but moving is just flat out a lot of work. Brady is disappointed that he hasn't been able to do more of the "fun" part (unpacking), and I am interpreting that as "I packed all this stuff up and you're unpacking it the wrong way", even though what he really means is "I packed all this crap up and you're going through it without me." We had a minor blow-up yesterday, but I think we're past that now.

The move went well, although it's been SO cold here. We had quite a storm yesterday, resulting in a good 1" of ice all over everything, so that's been tough to deal with. Plus, our refrigerator isn't working, so all of our food is sitting in the garage. Awesome! Not sure what is wrong with the fridge, but it was turned to the lowest setting while the sellers were gone, and now it's not cooling at all, after we turned it up. Someone is supposed to come out to look at it today, but we'll see. The roads are rather treacherous, although I DID make it to work today in the normal time, so we'll see.

Otherwise, there's nothing major going on. Same ol' issues that were issues before we moved are issues now and I'm too frustrated to deal with them or really even to talk about them. Somedays I feel like I will be alright, and somedays, which are becoming more common lately, I feel like I'm going to absolutely lose it. I feel like there is absolutely no end in sight for the problems we're having, and that there is no place or time for complaining, confronting, or resolving them because there's always something more important going on. So my frustration is high.

Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day.

Bah Lovebug.

Taj A. Lude: HOMEOWNER

2007-01-31T20:56:00.000-05:00

Well... we did it.

We bought a house.

We are officially homeowners!!!!!!!!

We had our closing this afternoon and everything went beautifully. The sellers came in from out of state and we found out what a small world it is. The couple that we bought the house from, she was one of the leasing agents at our apartment complex. She actually renewed our lease a few years ago! Plus, they have moved to the state we just came from. Small world.

We closed and went to our new home to check it out, and also to wait for the locksmith to arrive to have our locks changed. We now have housekeys, a garage door opener, A GARAGE... so exciting!! My MIL is coming into town tomorrow (weather permitting) and helping us move some peripheral things we don't need for survival over the next 2 weeks. My parents will be here next weekend, and we are having a couple of guys from Brady's job come over to help move the furniture. We should be living in the new place by February 11th!

In OTHER exciting news... Brady has been offered a new job. We are not sure what to make of all of this. His former supervisor was let go a few months ago (for ridiculous reasons) and promised Brady "I'll be back for you!" He really thinks highly of Brady and sees a lot of potential in him. So he called Brady a couple of weeks ago and told him he thought he might have a job for him as a cost analyst at his new employer, which is actually just down the road from where he works right now. He went for an interview and went over some terms and requirements he would need in order to work there.

Well, the supervisor called him this afternoon, just before we left for closing, and officially extended an offer. They are willing to pay his tuition, just like now, and also pay back to his CURRENT employer what he'll have to pay as a penalty for leaving early. And also, about a $6-7k annual increase in salary. So we're talking about it. It's sort of a scary time to be looking at a new job, but at the same time, it's a great opportunity. We have until Monday to decide!

So that's what's going on 'round these parts right now. Regarding the topics from my last post... we have talked about them twice and I feel like we're making progress. Then again, I always feel like we're making progress, and we never do. So only time will tell. Right now I just want to enjoy this experience with my husband and be excited about all the wonderful things that are going on.

Help! I Need Somebody

2007-01-29T20:06:00.000-05:00

Y'all, I need some help.

First of all, I can't believe I just said y'all.

Secondly, I have a problem!!

Brady & I were to have sex this weekend. We were overdue and had "planned" on having sex. Here is where the problem begins. We knew a few days ago we were having sex on Saturday. This, to me, invites the opportunity to do that whole flirting-teasing-enticing thing. I will give Brady a break in that he has had a rough week (don't I say that every week?) with school and working and us moving. But SOMETHING... c'mon man!!!!!!!!

So Saturday evening rolls around... the part I've been waiting for all day! The good stuff. We had both been working all day and hadn't had showers, so we got in our respective showers and started getting cleaned up. I noticed he more or less waited until I was out of my shower before he got in his. He arrived at my bathroom door while I was showering to ask if I was ok, that he had heard a noise. I thought this was a ploy to get into the shower with me.

It was not.

He then took his shower, which seemed a little longer than normal. I wondered if he was waiting for ME to get in there with HIM. I did not.

So we get done showering, and we're in bed. Clean and pretty smelling and naked. Brady is sort of trying to put the moves on me, but I'm bored. Watching TV, getting groped, kiss kiss kiss, grope, TV, etc. BORING. We made out for awhile (just kissing) and finally I just had to tell him: I'M BORED!!!!!! He took this as a personal insult, and I can appreciate why: He thought I was calling him boring. I wasn't. I was just bored with his technique. Most of the time the same vanilla seduction will do in a pinch; but sometimes, one needs some peripherals and toppings on that vanilla. Saturday was one of those days.

Here is the problem.

He looked like a deer in the headlights. Like he hadn't a clue what he was supposed to do next. I felt like he was waiting for me to tell him the next move. The problem was I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew what I didn't want, and that was the same exact routine we have every time we have planned sex. I just felt like he had no idea what he was supposed to do, and I was both helpless to assist him and also unwilling to try. Everytime we have sex that is different and fun, I feel that it is due to my insistence.

Finally he got slightly more aggressive and I gave in, but it was not the experience I had been hoping for. We finished and I was not satisfied. I asked him to use the rabbit on me, and so he did. This is another part of the problem. He did not pay attention and tried pulling the rabbit away from me right as I was about to have an orgasm. I nearly kicked him in the teeth. He said he was trying to get a better position, but can you not tell by the breathing and the facial expressions that I'm about 1 Oh My God from the Holy Land? I grabbed the rabbit and kept it in place so I could finish, and he apologized. When we finished we both felt rather deflated.

Here's where I need help: How do I start bringing some new things into the bedroom and not put all the pressure on Brady to initiate it? What I really want is for HIM to introduce some new things, but I don't think he's going to do it. Do I need to just take the reigns and start suggesting some new stuff and hope he catches on? I don't like being bored when we have sex, but I'm not going to feign enthusiasm when what I need is something new, masculine, and erotic. I tried the box but that was a bust in the worst way.

HELP!!!!

Ridiculous

2007-01-27T15:36:00.000-05:00

Me.

In an attempt to make Brady smile, I covered my entire face in address stickers. I once sent $25 to Veterans of Foreign War and they have kept me in stock with address labels ever since. They even sent me a certificate proclaiming me as a hero of the VFW. I think this was probably a ploy to get me to send more money, but it still was a nice gesture.

Wish I could put on a picture of it. I'm awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!